Nobody Asked, but He’s Firing Some Cannons

Well, there’s no baseball. Basketball--while no longer Jordan-less--is in a state of flux. It looks like a long, hot summer. So I thought I would resurrect the bit of gimmickry that was the trademark of the late, great Jimmy Cannon, who titled it, “Nobody Asked Me, But . . . “

I have appointed myself custodian of the gimmick, keeper of the faith. Nobody asked me, either, but here goes:

If George Foreman fights Mike Tyson, he should have his head examined. In fact, right after the fight that’s what the ringside physicians will be doing.

I get annoyed at people who refer to persons in authority as “suits.” Thomas Edison wore suits. So did Dr. Jonas Salk. Sir Alexander Fleming, discoverer of penicillin, wore frock coats. Call me when some guy in torn jeans and an earring invents anything.

I don’t go to movies in which Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant.

I prefer Victor Herbert to Andrew Lloyd Webber. “Sunset Boulevard” was depressing. When was the last time you walked out of a musical humming the hit tune?

I can’t find it in my heart to get mad at the guys who are sitting in for the big league ballplayers. Now, if they were getting the salaries of the big leaguers! Then, I’d be mad. To get a million bucks for hitting .209, you have to belong to the union.

Riddick Bowe’s opponent, Herbie Hide, had a chin so glassy you could see through it. I’ve known fighters who went down without being hit hard. Herbie went down if someone in the third row waved.

Nolan Ryan, who pitched seven no-hitters, never got a Cy Young Award. Ted Williams, who batted .406 in 1941, didn’t get the MVP that year. Go figure.

I trust anybody who smokes cigars. My Uncle Frank smoked cigars.

An October without a World Series is like a birthday spent in a Holiday Inn in Des Moines.

Every time I see Andre Agassi on the court, I wish tennis would go back to the rule that required you to wear white.

When baseball had strikes in the past, there were guys I desperately missed seeing--Willie Mays, Henry Aaron, Pete Rose, Nolan Ryan. I try to think whom I greatly miss this time, and I can’t come up with anyone.

So, Kevin Mitchell went to Japan. That’s just about far enough. I got a few guys I wish he’d take with him. Eddie Murray, for instance.

Now that Michael Jordan has failed in baseball, Jackie Robinson is the only all-around athlete who could also hit the curveball. Michael at the bat gave new meaning to the term Air Jordan.

I make Pete Sampras the nearest thing to an authentic hero as any sport has.

If you’re not driving for Roger Penske, you’re just spinning your wheels.

Having a boat sink under you in the America’s Cup trials is like drowning in the middle of the 100-meter butterfly.

The guys who claim the colleges are not a farm system for the NFL tire me out. They can’t name me two players who didn’t go to college first. Sure, they don’t all make it, but neither do all the players in baseball’s minor league farm system.

I’ll go along with paying college football players. Provided they pay pre-med students, too.

Jordan is a great basketball player, but I’d have to see him dunk over Bill Russell before I make him the best ever.

I never had a good pizza west of Perth Amboy, and you only think you’ve had spaghetti till you’ve had it in Rome.

Remember when the actors in porno movies wore masks? Today, they get Academy Awards.

You know you’re getting old when you get into the third reel of a movie before you realize you’ve seen it before.

You think we’re a better people? When Gen. MacArthur’s dictum, “Victory is a worthy result for which to strive fairly,” becomes, “Winning is the only thing”?

The trouble with baseball owners is, they got an attitude.

Thanks, Jimmy.