Pop! Goes the .357

For my money, the best news to come out of Washington during these first months of the new Congress is that Bob Dole and his Republican minions want to repeal the ban on assault weapons. It’s about time.

How did the lily-livered Democrats ever get away with this assault on our Second Amendment rights in the first place? Don’t they read the Constitution? You just know that if James Madison were driving the freeways today, he’d be packing some serious firepower under the dash.

Ever since the ban went into effect, I’ve had to hunt squirrels with a measly .357 magnum. Can you imagine having to shoot one bullet at a time? I mean, I used to be able to go out into the back yard and spray a couple of maple trees with my Uzi, and in no time at all, I’d have a bag full of squirrels. Now it takes days! Who has that kind of time?!

I have a feeling that I speak for the millions of other law-abiding Americans who wake up every morning and have no idea if they’re gonna be able to put enough squirrel meat on the table. How’d you like to live with that kind of pressure?

Before the assault weapons ban, my fellow squirrel hunters and I used to have a surplus. And we didn’t just freeze the stuff either. My neighbor Jay began dealing in squirrel pelts. Business was so good, he even opened a little squirrel scarf and car muff shop in Brentwood. That’s right, folks, he became an entrepreneur. That’s what America used to be about. That’s the spirit that used to pervade this land. You want to get people off the dole? You want to revive the entrepreneurial spirit and increase your tax base? Well, then, you give us back our assault rifles and the right to spray a hail of bullets anywhere we damn well please. Right on, Bob!