COMMITMENTS : Scoring Points in the Game We Call Dating

Imet Carla at a wedding, and I didn’t know her from Adam. So I had nothing but hormones and high expectations when I picked her up a couple of weeks later.

Sitting across from her at a restaurant that was going to set me back half a week’s pay, it occurred to me that first dates are a lot like game shows, where a shot at the grand prize requires a complete willingness to risk public humiliation.

And, just like on a game show, there are rules that dictate each move, with answers setting off the scoring bell-- ding ding ding! --or the loser’s horn, honk!

So, over an overpriced garden salad, we started the first round.

Carla, explaining why she had brought her own diet salad dressing, reveals that she used to be 20 pounds heavier.

Honk! If she weighed that much once, she could do it again. How long before I find a box of Oreos hidden in the hamper?

I spill my killer joke; it never misses. She coughs politely, and picks a bit of lint from her sleeve. I can’t help thinking I’m that piece of lint.

Honk!

The waiter brings drinks, ending the first round of play. So far, a draw. I grab a bathroom break and take deep breaths in front of the mirror.

Before I even take my first bite of pasta, Carla says she would like to have children.

Honk! Too soon to tell me. It means she’s already decided what she wants and is just shopping for accessories.

She grows bolder, mistaking my flinch for empathy: “Maybe even three children,” she adds.

Honk honk honk!

I quickly order a second drink. She frowns.

“My father used to drink,” she says in a disapproving way that makes me believe her home life was not exactly an episode of “The Brady Bunch.”

Honk!

Carla reveals that she rises before dawn to be at the gym before work.

Ding ding ding! I hate having to roll anybody out of bed.

I try a funny story and mangle the punch line. She giggles anyway.

Ding ding ding!

Her giggle makes me laugh.

Ding!

Maybe there is a God after all.

I am not afraid to look closely at her now, and see she wears only a hint of makeup.

Ding ding ding! No worse turn-off than watching a gnat get trapped in a nose pore. I also hate getting any kind of goo on my face and especially dislike waking up with a woman who looks different than the one I fell asleep with.

While cutting my vegetable, an asparagus tip gets launched and sails over her water glass. I mumble an apology, and she assures me she does it all the time.

Honks all around.

She asks me how long I’ve had my job.

Honk honk!

So, she’s worried about my finances, which shrank considerably after she ordered the lobster.

Now, in the final round, the pace gets furious.

Questions and answers are flying.

She’s been divorced.

Honk!

So have I.

Honk right back at you!

She doesn’t smoke and never has. I make a crack about sweet kisses.

Then she flashes a smile she’s been hiding all night.

I know that smile.

Ding ding ding!