LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on President Clinton signing a bill to give self-employed Americans a tax break: “This should be a significant help to Newt Gingrich. He makes a ton of money working out of the House.”
Reader Ethel Black wonders why Rush Limbaugh is a spokesman for Pizza Hut. “With the whoppers he tells, he’s a natural for Burger King.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on Rep. Robert Dornan’s presidential campaign: “He has the clearest campaign message of anybody: Loose and dangerous times call for loose and dangerous leadership. “
Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the man in India who supposedly married a cow: “Friends of the cow are worried. They think he’s going to milk her for all she’s got.”
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Cirque du O.J.: “Dennis Fung’s testimony certainly took the curl out of Marcia Clark’s hair.” (Michael Connor)
* “Fung’s testimony sure brought back lots of memories. The last person O.J. watched botch up that many clues was Leslie Nielsen.” (Bob Mills)
* “With Easter Sunday less than a week away, O.J.’s got to be pretty nervous. The last thing he needs is a bunch of kids running around looking under rocks and searching behind trees.” (Jay Leno)
* “In a vote that crossed racial and gender lines, the jury and alternates have unanimously decided to turn down an offer of a free, private concert from John Tesh.” (Tony Peyser)
* “More problems for O.J. Looks like his tax returns could get him into some trouble too. Under loss of personal property he took deductions for a knife and two gloves.” (Leno)
* “There has been a lot of discussion this week about the improper collection of blood. But enough about income taxes. . . .” (Gary Easley)
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On the Dole: “Sen. Bob Dole has hinted he may run as a one-term-only President. So I guess that means he’s going to run as a Democrat.” (Leno)
* “Dole’s promise to the NRA to repeal the ban on assault-type weapons could damage his campaign. This is what’s known as literally shooting yourself in the foot.” (Peyser)
* “At age 71, it’s amazing if you can touch your toes, much less put your foot in your mouth.” (Connor)
* “He says there must be a limit to what Hollywood can do. That’s where he’s dead wrong. If a movie such as ‘The Wizard of Oz’ could make Kansas seem exciting, then there is no limit to what Hollywood can do.” (Hamilton)
* “He told the press that he’s not too old to run for President, and invited any reporter who doesn’t believe him to follow him around for a few days. Dole should watch it--those were Gary Hart’s last words.” (Hamilton)
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Palm Desert reader Henry V. Cleary’s son Dirkin, 4, had trouble pronouncing his L’s. One afternoon, he told his father the toy soldiers he’d been playing with had “weighed down and gone to sweep.” Cleary asked Dirkin if the soldiers had really “laid down and gone to sleep.” The boy paused a moment, then said:
“They took a nap.”