LAUGH LINES : JOKES

Take Our Daughters to Work Day: “Al Gore had to answer the toughest question of his life. He had to explain what his job is.” (Jay Leno)

* “Don’t know how much good it did for President Clinton to take Chelsea to work. Every time he described a part of his job, she replied, ‘Oh, Mom already taught me that.’ ” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “They had fun with the event on Capitol Hill. But security guards had to tell Sen. Robert Packwood, ‘Nice try, but get her out of here.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

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In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on conservative talk show hosts being outraged at allegations that they promote violence: “The most Rush Limbaugh has ever induced is vomiting.”

* Adds Cutler: “Some of these guys make Limbaugh look like Barney. Come to think of it, a small color adjustment can make Limbaugh look like Barney.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on The Newt saying most newspaper reporters are biased liberals and editorial writers are socialists: “Please don’t forget Laugh Lines writers. We have an affinity for Marx--Groucho.”

Leno, on Professional Secretaries Day (Wednesday) at the White House: “The President had a dozen roses and a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne in the Oval Office for his secretary. She thanked him for remembering Secretaries Day, then Clinton said, ‘It’s Secretaries Day?’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the nominee for CIA director saying he will clean house: “Unfortunately, the person he’s hired to do it is Rosa Lopez.”

Ryan, on this week’s Las Vegas convention of the National Society for the Study of Impotence: “The first item on the agenda is the Clinton Administration.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the new computer service called New York Online: “You don’t need a mouse. You need a rat.”

Church, on the new interactive software, License to Drive, that helps you improve your driving: “The on-screen graphics of cars and traffic are so lifelike. And if your computer crashes, a lawyer instantly pops up.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Andrea Mazzola’s admission that she initially didn’t recognize Simpson’s name drew two objections--one from his lawyers, and the other from his publicist.” (Bob Mills)

* “No wonder prosecutors aren’t asking for the death penalty. They knew that when O.J. found out Mazzola had never heard of him before being assigned the case, it would kill him.” (Hamilton)

* “Judge Lance Ito asked Peter Neufeld to slow down because the court reporter couldn’t understand his Brooklyn accent. At one point, Ito thought Neufeld was making an objection when, actually, he was hailing a cab.” (Mills)

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Following a heavy rainstorm, West Hills reader Judy Castle’s son Chris, 3, watched workers in thigh-high boots clear out sludge on his street. The boy, usually scolded for playing in the mud, looked at them and asked:

“Mommy, are they allowed to get their feet wet?”