‘90s FAMILY : A Bundle of Trouble : A new infant in the house -- a blessed event that seals a couple’s love, right? Well, not quite. Parents admit that an additon to the family often leads to more fights and greater marital dissatisfaction
B abies .
The word conjures up images of fleshy, soft bundles of cuddly, cooing wonderment, with alchemical powers to meld man and woman via the delivery table into a family. Baby sits up, crawls, stands, gets the first haircut: each milestone playing out like a peaceable scene in a Norman Rockwell painting.
Yeah, right.
As any sleep-deprived, puked-upon, brain-dead, libido-less new parent will tell you, that’s a big, fat, mean myth. There may be some couples who take the transition to parenthood in stride, who may be invigorated by it, much the way an icy ocean swim revitalizes members of the Polar Bear Club.
But for most new parents, a baby shatters the playing field of a marriage the way the Northridge earthquake tore up the Los Angeles topography. Nora Ephron, in her novel “Heartburn” (Knopf, 1983), wrote that a new baby is like a hand grenade tossed into a marriage. Why some couples survive the explosion better than others and what exactlyhappens when a couple has that first baby has been studied by a number of psychologists over several decades.
Two recent studies from Pennsylvania State University and UC Berkeley found that the majority of new parents in the first few years of their baby’s life report a dip in marital satisfaction, more fighting and increased difficulty in communicating.
Not surprisingly, marriages that are shaky before a baby’s arrival fare worse than strong unions. And couples that develop strategies to deal with differences before a baby arrives endure the change best. Younger couples who have not been together very long have a tougher time.
The Penn State study found that initially, women suffer more from the change, largely because their workload goes up 250%. In contrast, a man’s domestic workload decreases 25% because baby-related labor is considered woman’s work.
The seven-year study also found that 13% of 250 couples lost faith in their marriage after the birth of their first child, and 38% reported a decline in marital quality.
The 10-year Berkeley study of 72 new parents and 24 childless couples found that of couples married more than 10 years, 20% divorced by the time their children were 5 years old as compared to a 50% divorce rate for childless couples.
“In earthquake language, couples have fault lines and some land is more stable than other land,” said psychologist Jay Belsky, who conducted the Penn State study and co-authored the book “The Transition to Parenthood” (Delacorte Press, 1994). “How much stress is going to be engendered by a baby? If the fault or weakness in a relationship is massive, it won’t take much stress to shake the relationship apart.”
Bert and Jaci Svensson of Newport Beach had three years of marriage and seven years of cohabitation under their belt when they plunged into parenthood. Now, 18 months later, both are effusive about their adoration for daughter Kelsey. But their marriage, they agree, has suffered.
“It got to the point where we were arguing so much about who was doing what that we quit talking for about four months and you could cut the tension with a knife,” said Jaci, 37, a vice president at a West Los Angeles advertising agency.
Bert, who is 41 and arranges international travel tours, said he wouldn’t trade Kelsey for a more romantic, pre-baby life. But, he added, he misses the closeness he had with Jaci.
“There is no us anymore,” said Bert, who has left Post-it notes for his wife on the bathroom mirror saying, “I want my best friend back,” and who once sent a dozen red roses to her at the office with a card reading: “I want us back.”
“You don’t have enough time with your best friend anymore because the baby comes first,” said Bert, who is sometimes gone for a month at a time on business. “We have been out five times since the baby was born. I understand she has a horrible commute and when she gets home she wants to spend time with the baby. If we did go out, she would be miserable.”
Psychologists say putting the marriage first is not only better for spouses, but it is also better for the baby because it decreases the risk of divorce. The balance is particularly hard for working mothers, who spend eight hours or more a day at work and then must come home and divide their attention between baby and spouse.
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Holly, who asked that her last name not be used, gave birth to son Andrew almost 2 years ago, expecting nothing but “a perfect peaches-and-cream family, with two cars, a cute little black dog and a baby.” But the 32-year-old cashier discovered instead that her spouse changed under the stress of a colicky baby.
“Our relationship came last,” said Holly, whose husband Steve, 35, began having an affair when Andrew was 5 months old. The couple had been separated for almost a year, but have since reconciled under the care of a therapist.
“I put the baby first,” she said, adding that her husband shouldered as much of the domestic duties as she did. “But the problem was we should have sat down and talked about it and said these are the issues. Steve didn’t do that. His buddy was gone and he felt left out. He had the perfect male response.”
Carolyn Pape Cowan, a research psychologist who ran the Berkeley study with her husband, Philip A. Cowan, and co-authored “When Partners Become Parents” (BasicBooks, 1992), said affairs are not frequently a problem. Rather, couples are overwhelmed by the demands of modern life, with both parents often in the work force, sharing domestic responsibilities and far from families of origin. Thus, new parents have fewer support mechanisms to guide them through those first rocky years.
“Couples don’t have good role models,” Pape Cowan said. “Part of it is this idea that we won’t be like our parents and it will be egalitarian, and we will be able to do it differently. Then you find out that you’re not different. And there is still a stigma attached to asking for help.”
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Vicki Stolberg, 32, is a part-time free-lance art director and mother to 2-year-old Daniel. Several months ago, she became so exhausted by the increase in domestic labor she went to a doctor, worried that she had a mysterious malady. The physician told her that she was “obviously doing too much.” Married to David, 33, a copywriter who puts in 12-hour days at the ad agency where he works, Stolberg said the greatest source of marital tension is over the division of domestic labor.
“I’m always doing everything and he just sits on the couch,” she said. “I am just amazed that he doesn’t get it. When I ask him to help he gets totally exasperated. Calls me a bitch. And I say, ‘You are the one that is making me nag.’ It’s a constant problem.”
David said he recognizes that his wife does far more and that the transition to parenthood has been hardest on her, but he is optimistic that the relationship will bounce back.
“Vicki changed in a quick, spiritual way and my change has been more of an evolution,” he said. Other couples report that the quality of their marriage is unchanged, but that the dynamic has been altered radically by the presence of a baby. Alexa Foster, a 36-year-old doctoral student married to Steve, a 49-year old pilot, said it is the dullness of parenthood that has had the most impact on her marriage.
“People are afraid to say it is boring,” said Alexa, who lives in Marina del Rey with Steve and 16-month-old Wes. “We can’t go adventuring. We have a plane but Wes gets bored. Your house becomes your center. We no longer have breakfast as the sun comes up. Between exhaustion, the baby and being awake, there is no opportunity for sex.”
Well, that isn’t entirely right, as her condition attests. She is expecting her second child in just two months.
Whatever the fallout, the majority of couples, Pape Cowan said, adjust to the changes of family life by the time a baby is 2 years old and begin pondering having a second child. Clearly, the uncharted path of parenthood bears rewards that far outweigh the sacrifices. Among the gratifying experiences, couples say, is the gradual evolution into a family, that every couple, of course, hopes will endure.
“I think our marriage has gotten much better,” said David Stolberg. “The big picture is so much more rich. The meaning of being a couple is so much clearer. It has taken us awhile to figure each other out. And it has gotten better. The hard way.”
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BABY STEPS
Navigating a marriage after the arrival of a baby is a lot like rearranging the deck chairs of the Titanic while it is sinking.
Psychologists offer these points to help couples cope with life after baby:
* A husband should be encouraged to participate in caring for the baby, but the wife should refrain from criticizing the way he does things--unless the baby is in jeopardy.
* Husbands compare how much work they do at home with how much their fathers did. Wives compare how much their husbands contribute to what they themselves do domestically. Psychologists say these are like cultural differences and should be dealt with constructively by negotiating who will do what.
* Before the baby arrives, talk about what roles you expect each other to fulfill, discuss family life and identify major differences.
* Figure out a problem-solving strategy before the baby is born and look at problems as “family problems” not as “his” or “her” problem.
* Take five minutes a day to relate to each other, discuss the day’s events and feelings.
* Schedule weekly dates without the baby.
* Make arrangements so you and your spouse each have some personal time.
* Remember to compliment each other and express gratitude.
* Being a parent can be isolating. Join a parent-support group or talk with friends who have children.
* Find ways to play again as a couple.
* If you find your marriage suffering, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.
Sources: UC Berkeley research psychologists Philip A. Cowan, Carolyn Pape Cowan and Pennsylvania State University research psychologist Jay Belsky.
