Sharing your living space with a child, while staying sane, can require some ingenuity

When Lorena DeSoto feels the walls of her North Hollywood apartment closing in on her, she turns to the walk-in closet for escape.

“Sometimes I sneak in there just to get some space for myself,” confided the 31-year-old middle-school teacher, who shares a two-bedroom unit with her husband and two children. “The baby’s crib and dresser are in my room, the living room is filled with his toys, and my stepson stays in the other bedroom. Once the baby was born, the closet was the only space I could go that was just mine.”

Not all new parents are forced to such drastic measures as DeSoto to find peace in the home, but learning to share your space with a new baby--without losing your sanity--can take much ingenuity. After all, a child’s arrival ends the days of proudly displaying the Waterford crystal vases and Lladro figurines on the dining-room buffet. The delicate living-room fern gets banished to the back-yard patio. The glass coffee tables and Navajo-white sofas go into storage. Up comes the sophisticated Berber carpet, down goes the practical linoleum.

Lost also for many new parents is the concept of the “extra” bedroom. The computer and fax machine balance precariously on the bureau when the master bedroom doubles as the home office. And say goodby to the luxury of a guest room; junior’s crib and changing table will make folding out the couch for out-of-town visitors a tight squeeze.

Overnight, baby swings, high chairs and play yards seem to take over the house. Cranberry juice stains the couch, sticky fingerprints obscure the mirrors and skid marks smudge the paint. The situation intensifies as babies grow: At about 1 year, children start to walk and carry objects with them, making each room a potential play area. And since every few months children outgrow their toys, clothes and equipment, the baby gear keeps multiplying.

“How can a person so small have so much stuff?” bemoaned one exasperated parent.

A baby affects more than the home’s decor, of course. Many new parents say that the way they look at their space changes dramatically when the child comes home from the hospital. Before the infant, these couples viewed their homes as reflections of their tastes and preferences. Hence the fancy furniture and delicate accessories. But once the child arrives, parents often see the four walls mostly for their protective value--as shelter rather than showplace. Making sure the heat works and that a baby can’t get his head stuck in the staircase banister become more important than wallpaper patterns.

Such a change of priorities, along with the crowding of space, can produce mixed feelings.

“Some parents are easygoing and they can share their space better,” said Thomas Glennon, a psychologist at Coldwater Clinical Associates in Studio City. “But for those parents who are very meticulous about their house, learning to adapt to life with a child can be difficult.”

Glennon says the acculturation process can elicit a range of feelings--everything from joy at the increased activity in the home to anger over the chaotic atmosphere. Those and other emotions can cause conflicts between partners:

The parent who works outside the home may feel left out when he or she returns to a house beset by toys; the parent who stays home with the child may feel guilty when the drop in earnings postpones a move to larger quarters. And try resuming a sex life with a fussy baby just inches from your covers. Throw in sleep deprivation and raging hormones, and the first months at home with baby can be dicey for any marriage.

Friendships, too, can be strained. One young mother recalls a friend who took her toddler to another friend’s home. The child quickly smashed the surface of the crystal coffee table; before the mother could apologize for her child’s behavior, the host whipped out a receipt. Five hundred dollars and a new table later, the two women no longer speak.

Lori Kessler-Lowenthal and Peter Lowenthal take a novel approach to balancing their needs and those of their 19-month-old son, Michael. Step inside their Studio City home and instead of glimpsing the usual living-room ensemble, you’ll find yourself smack in the middle of Michael’s playroom, complete with Fisher-Price trucks, a huge stuffed bear and colorful rubber floor tiles.

“My friend calls me the ‘Kool-Aid mom’ because this is the house where all the kids want to play,” joked Lori, 33, who cares for her toddler full time.

But giving up their living room to make way for Michael’s play area required sacrifice on the Lowenthals’ part. For starters, they had to store the glass coffee table in the garage and give away their white sofa. Now the smaller family room must serve as their primary gathering place.

“Sometimes I visit another mom’s home and she will have expensive, breakable knickknacks out. I wonder how she can do that and I can’t,” Lori admitted. “But then I tell myself that in five years I can have nice things too--maybe even nicer than before.”

Simi and Ben Singer, both health-care public-relations professionals, admit they were unsure what changes daughter Haley would bring to their three-bedroom Westchester house last year. “We didn’t want the whole house to turn into a nursery,” Simi said. “Now we’re trying to have at least one room that’s just for adults. The other rooms can be for Haley.”

“Parents are often unprepared for how a baby will change their house,” said Wendy McCord, a pre- and postnatal psychotherapist at the Chapman Family Center in Santa Monica. “Having a baby is not like getting a third roommate. A child wants to be in your arms--literally in your space. He will not be happy with a room of his own.”

McCord believes that when parents complain about a baby cramping their physical space, what they’re really complaining about is the loss of their psychological space. “A mom often feels pulled in too many directions. The baby wants her and her husband wants her,” McCord said. “There’s no opportunity to just be herself.”

A change of environment--a walk around the block, a hotel getaway--can often make small quarters suddenly feel larger. One new father confesses that he sometimes wakes at 5:30 a.m. on weekends just to get the house to himself.

But McCord counsels new parents that they can work out adjustment issues in any size house: “There’s no correlation between square footage and how a parent will adapt to life with baby.”

Tell that to Lorena DeSoto. “My son would be a better sleeper and a more independent child if I could move him out of my bedroom,” she said. “Sometimes I feel resentful, and I just cry to my husband because I know I would be less stressed if I had more room. We’re even thinking of moving to Las Vegas so we can buy a house.”

Short of relocating to a cheaper real estate market or adding on to an existing home, there are ways for new parents to meet the challenge of sharing their space with a child.

First, those parents who have thought through the decision to bear a child usually suffer less shock and resentment when the Power Rangers start piling up, said both Glennon and McCord.

They advise parents who feel claustrophobic to ask for suggestions from parents who have discovered how to make room for all family members.

Such practical tips, said Beverly Hills certified interior designer Rosanne Sachson, might include putting a few of the child’s toys in a wicker basket (“they give a more sophisticated look than those giant rubber tubs”) in the corner of each room. Teach the child, she said, that these toys stay in this room and they go back in the basket when the child is through. And not all of the baby’s games need to be out at any given time. By rotating the items, the house will stay neater and the child will constantly have something new to explore. Trading outgrown toys with other parents, as well as postponing the purchase of additional gear until it is needed, will further reduce clutter.

“A small child wants to be where mom and dad are,” Sachson said. “Instead of setting up a playroom too soon, put a few pieces of Tupperware in a kitchen drawer for the child to play with. He’ll be perfectly happy.”

If parents do set up a playroom, the designer says to make sure it has good lighting and linoleum or wood tiles on the floor so truck wheels can roll. Allow children to help pick out the colors for the area--it will help ensure they’ll actually use the space.

Sachson also cautions parents not to remove all the objects from the coffee table. “Leave one item that belongs to mom, one for dad and one for baby. That way the child learns that he must respect other people’s things but that this is his space too.” Each member of the family, if possible, should have a corner, a bookshelf or a night stand that’s just for his or her objects.

With a little effort, Sachson believes parents can satisfy both their tastes and their child’s habits. She urges her clients to purchase durable yet attractive fabrics for furniture (order extra yardage to reupholster soiled cushions) and to lay down sheets of vinyl on the carpet when the kids want to play. A cedar or rattan chest to hold toys can be aesthetically pleasing and functional. A washable quilt will protect a favorite chair. And putting breakables up on high shelves will keep them out of baby’s reach but still within view.

The basic idea, designers and parents agree, is to set your child up to win. In other words, don’t place objects in your child’s path that would make you angry if he broke them. Baby proof your home, ideally before the infant arrives, to reduce safety hazards--and give you peace of mind. Have child-friendly items at the ready to steer your child toward. “‘You have to say ‘no’ to your child so much already--’don’t touch the hot stove, don’t touch the sharp knives,’ ” said one Los Angeles mother of six children. “Make it easy on you and easy on your kid.”

“You want to set boundaries,” added psychologist Glennon, “but you don’t want to inhibit your child’s sense of autonomy and industry, which he develops by exploring.”

Simply put, give your child breathing room in his own home.

When Lori Kessler-Lowenthal senses the baby gear piling up, she tries to put the situation in perspective. “I tell myself that Michael is young only for a very short time and that he doesn’t mean to be destructive or messy. Things can be replaced, but time can’t. I’d rather spend my day with him than spend it obsessing about my house.”

Next week: Making sure your yard and landscaping are child-safe.