LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Hail to the chiefs: Comic Argus Hamilton on Sunday’s senior citizens’ meeting with The Newt and The Prez: “What a graceful couple. Gingrich and Clinton got along, didn’t argue, laughed together and seemed willing to compromise. If they’d been any more cooperative, they’d have been kicked out of the military.”

* “After the meeting, The Newt got some free advice about his novel from Clinton. Gingrich wasn’t sure if his bimbo character was believable.” (Bob Mills)

* “Not to be outdone by The Newt, Sen. Bob Dole flew to New Hampshire on Sunday evening for his own Town Hall--with Roger Clinton.” (Tony Peyser)

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In the news: Jay Leno, on the St. Louis man who cleans houses in the nude for women: “Women don’t care that the guy’s naked. They’ve just never seen a man clean a house before.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on IBM’s purchase of Lotus for about double the price Lotus had previously traded: “Apparently, IBM used one of its computers with a Pentium chip to calculate the fair market value.”

Hamilton, on the reporter who asked a doctor when the media could interview the person who donated seven organs, including a liver for Mickey Mantle: “Apparently, Dan Quayle’s back in the family newspaper business.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on NASA building a new water system that will turn urine into drinking water: “When properly filtered, it comes out tasting like pure water. When not, it tastes like Tang.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Carnival’s new cruise, during which all passengers do is talk about the O.J. Simpson trial: “I thought the whole point of a cruise was to do things you don’t normally do at home.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on proposed new rules to make baseball games shorter: “They include allowing only two jock adjustments per at-bat.”

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That’s entertainment: Comic Dennis Miller, on Edgar Bergen’s dummy, Charlie McCarthy, going on the auction block at Sotheby’s: “Bergen is the father of actress Candice Bergen. McCarthy is the distant cousin of the auction block.”

Ryan, on “Sesame Street” producers laying off some of the show’s employees: “It’s bad--they even sold Kermit the Frog to Spago for spare parts.”

Healey, on the new NBC show “High Sierra Search and Rescue”: “Despite using skiers, rock climbers and Robert Conrad in a helicopter, the producers were still unable to find a plot.”

Mills, on the new Batman movie: “The movie underwent some last-minute editing when producers suddenly realized that Robin was living in Batman’s guest house while trying to land a book deal.”

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While in Maui recently with his family, reader Pat McCabe and son Will, 5, observed the hotel’s koi pond. When Pat told Will that the Japanese carp sometimes live up to 60 years, the boy replied:

“Not if I keep feeding them these potato chips.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.