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In the news: Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on a salvage company locating George Bush’s WWII plane at the bottom of the South China sea: “It also found Dan Quayle’s Vietnam-era 3-wood at the bottom of a lake at an Indianapolis golf course.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a report showing the federal government spent $1.5 billion on Kansas City schools, but that only 43% of students graduated: “This proves that throwing money at education doesn’t work. The kids just duck.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the GOP getting $12 million in tax dollars for its 1996 convention: “The Republicans have a very important message to deliver. They want government off their backs.”


Comedy writer Paul Ecker, on postal officials saying operations will be getting back to normal now that the Unabomber’s threat has passed: “Yeah, 50 people in line and one window open.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Rep. Robert Dornan calling Sen. Tom Harkin a “Marxist creep”: “Harkin immediately issued a denial, saying that his favorite comedian has always been Milton Berle.”

Cutler Rock Comedy, on Atlantis and Mir finally separating: “They both needed a little space.”

Perisho, on the Smith Corona typewriter company filing for bankruptcy: “In a unique request, it asked the judge to Wite-Out its multimillion-dollar debt.”

Ryan, on Bosnia: “I don’t understand it. We have Serb jets in the ‘no fly zone,’ firing on ‘safe havens’ during ‘cease-fires.’ Why don’t we just make the whole place a war zone where no one gets hurt?”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Atlanta prison escape attempt of Woody Harrelson’s father, Charles, who is serving a life term for killing a judge: “It was such a botched effort that authorities suspect it was hatched by the dim-witted character his son played on ‘Cheers.’ ”


* Adds comic Jenny Church: “He’s now back behind the kind of bars where everybody knows his name.”

Hamilton, on Dodger pitching sensation Hideo Nomo of Japan: “Language has not been a problem. He knows just enough Spanish to get around L.A.”


Cirque du O.J.: “When it was announced Wednesday that Anita Hill was in the courtroom as a guest of the prosecution, everyone groaned. All we need is another expert on hair samples.” (Hamilton)

* “Anita brought along a Coke can for FBI expert Douglas W. Deedrick to analyze.” (Church)

* “In Japan, prosecutors are getting ready to try cult leader Shoko Asahara, and are calling it the ‘trial of the century.’ And in yet another example of Japan aping American institutions, the prosecutor has even had a mole grafted onto her upper lip.” (Cutler)


Murrieta reader Dee Reynolds’ newly conversational grandson Kevin, 2, asked his mother one morning, “Daddy, work?” When Mom explained that it was the weekend, and that his father wouldn’t be going to work, the boy replied:

“Daddy, beer.