COMMITMENTS : Temples of Love : Many singles go to church seeking spiritual fulfillment. But there’s another draw--the possibility of meeting a soul mate.
Gilles Bioche was about to give up on American women.
It was the fall of 1989 and Bioche was a 31-year-old Frenchman who had lived in Southern California for eight years. He’d had many dates and short-term relationships, but hadn’t found anyone special. He thought that most of the women he had met were materialistic and superficial.
Bioche also wanted to become involved in his community, so he joined Corpus Christi, an organization of Roman Catholic singles in their 30s and older who perform community service in their spare time. While attending Mass at his church, Our Lady Queen of Angels in Newport Beach, he noticed an attractive young woman sitting near him. At the next meeting of Corpus Christi, the woman showed up and Bioche struck up conversation.
“She was looking to get involved in the church, but she wanted to find a younger group for people around her own age, in their early 20s,” he said. “But I got to know her a bit and we started dating.”
Bioche soon realized he’d finally found an American woman who was right for him. They married in 1993 and had their first child, a daughter, a year later.
“When I went to that first meeting I didn’t expect to see the man I’d eventually marry,” said Jenny Bioche, 27. “I had done a lot of shopping around until the day I met Gilles.”
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Gilles and Jenny met through a connection almost as old as matchmaking--their religion. For centuries grandmothers have urged their single grandchildren to attend services at churches and temples to meet possible mates, but their advice hasn’t always been heeded.
“My family is pretty religious, and I’d always get invitations from my sisters saying, ‘Come to church with us, there are some really pretty girls we want you to meet,’ ” said Art Nelson, 39, of Los Feliz. “I never went. I figured that a girl who went to church every Sunday wouldn’t appreciate a guy with tattoos who wanted to be a rock musician.”
After the death of his father four years ago, Nelson felt a need to reconnect with his spiritual side and began attending services at a few Baptist churches near his apartment.
“I met a lot of women who, like me, were a little unconventional. I’ve dated a couple and, although they didn’t turn into relationships, they were fun.”
The sense that any single person who is religious must be living the life of a saint is a false stereotype.
“When you meet someone through your church you might think, ‘Is this a person I can share a bottle of wine with before we go to a Springsteen concert?’ ” said Jenny Bioche. “My faith is important to me, but I’m not reading the Bible or saying the rosary every night.”
Religious institutions, which have traditionally catered more to families, see the value in finding ways to involve singles.
“There’s a need out there. A lot of single people are lonely and hurting,” said Claudette Graves, coordinator of the singles ministry at Calvary Baptist Church, a predominantly African American congregation in San Fernando. “We can reach out to them and show that they have a place in God’s community too.”
“It’s not always easy for a single person to feel like they belong,” said Pamela Jackson, 27, president of Calvary Baptist’s singles group, which has about a dozen members. “There are lots of families there and you could feel out of place. We kind of stick together and go out to dinner after an evening service and do things so no one feels left out if they’re alone.”
“There’s a tremendous spiritual hunger out there,” said the Rev. Joseph Gilbert, pastor of the Metropolitan Community Church in Silver Lake, which has a mostly gay congregation. Gilbert finds that many of the worshipers attend services to meet others, but also to meet a deeper need. “We get a lot of people who are trying to reconnect with their religious roots.”
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In Judaism, an attempt to reach out to singles has been made through Aish Ha’Torah, a worldwide organization that seeks to involve Jewish singles in their religion.
“The goal of Aish Ha’Torah is to give Jews a sense of reward for celebrating Judaism,” said Rabbi Nachum Braverman, executive director of the Los Angeles chapter. “We want to give them something to be proud of, help them learn about their heritage. If they meet other Jewish singles in that process, that’s great.”
Aish Ha’Torah conducts classes and seminars throughout Los Angeles for Jews of all ages. Participants meet in groups of 10 to 20 and sit around tables. A presiding rabbi gives the group a topic to discuss, which could involve interpersonal relationships, politics or current events. At the end of the discussion, the rabbi gives his or her views on the topic.
“The discussion groups are the best because you get to size people up by what they have to say. When you go to dances or events sponsored by a temple, you run into the same crowd of people--they’re usually depressed about being single and want to meet someone that night. There are a lot of men and women who attend not because of an interest in their faith; they’re looking for a pickup,” said a Westside woman in her 40s who has attended several Aish Ha’Torah discussion groups and other Jewish singles events. She asked that her name not be used.
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Singles in other religions face similar problems.
“If you’re in your 20s and you’re into your faith, it’s not hard to find youth groups at churches where you can meet others with the same interests,” said a woman who works with singles groups at a Presbyterian church. “In older groups, you tend to find people who go from church to church looking for companionship. They’re not as motivated to get involved in the activities.”
Success at finding a relationship through one’s religion seems to hinge on attitude.
“It’s easy to be disappointed going to a religious service or singles group and finding there’s no Prince Charming or Sleeping Beauty waiting for you,” said Joan Weiss, a psychologist based in Encino. “You’ll probably find a group of people with a common religion, but beyond that, they’re just like everyone else.”
Before seeking to expand your social life through religion, it’s probably a good idea to examine your motives.
“Many times people will focus on meeting someone through a group or their church and they get discouraged,” said Ellen McGrath, a psychologist in Laguna Beach. “Go because you want to get involved in the activities of the group, or because you’re interested in the faith.”
If you do meet someone at a service or through a group, it’s probably best to remember that unsavory people can be found anywhere--even in church.
“Women need to be especially vigilant not to assume that just because this seems like a nice person and he’s in your church, you can totally trust him,” said Theresa Lavenau, a psychologist in Huntington Beach. “Until you get to know that person, you still need to be somewhat on guard.”
When two people meet through their faith, they face another issue, especially if their relationship came about through a religious singles group--the fishbowl effect.
“Once Gilles and I started dating, we were suddenly on display,” Jenny Bioche said. “You get the feeling that when you go to church, people are watching and talking about you, which creates a lot of pressure.”
Now that they’re married and have started a family, Jenny finds the eyes of others don’t bother her--at least not now.
“I always said, if we ever broke up they’d be talking about us again. We’d have no choice but to move.”