COMMITMENTS : Fightin’ Words : Everyone has something that sets them off. Those things often uttered in innocence can sometimes hit close to home.

Y ou’re cheap.”

“You’re just unrealistic.”

“You’re overreacting.”

Hot under the collar yet? Eyes bulging? Give us time.

“You just don’t understand.”

“You are hysterical.”

“You need to grow up.”

*

Chances are, one of these phrases--sometimes called trigger words--will push your buttons. Trigger words vary from person to person--and gender to gender--but mental health experts say it’s a safe bet that nearly everyone has at least some.

The words that aggravate the most might be ones you grew up hearing, or those that strike a vulnerable spot.

Often, the person uttering these words is oblivious to their impact. But some people know exactly the effect of their message--and can’t wait to savor the fun once they’ve pushed your buttons.

The trick, of course, is coping. And that entails a lot: deciding who is using the trigger words deliberately, educating those who aren’t and figuring out how to stay rational next time you get zinged.

Getting angry is understandable, says Marcia Lasswell, a Los Angeles family therapist and president of the American Assn. for Marriage and Family Therapy. She calls trigger words “red flag words”--because “they are like waving the red flag at the bull.” These words have a common denominator, she says, in that they are all critical, or taken as such.

“It’s unsolicited advice--and about as welcome as the measles,” says Lasswell. “Trigger words are perceived as discrediting to yourself,” adds Cecilia Ridgeway, Stanford University professor of sociology, “although a person may not be motivated by that [goal].”

The person uttering the unsolicited, discrediting advice, Lasswell adds, usually sounds superior and parental, which can also be aggravating because it casts the listener in a childlike role.

A 35-year-old Los Angeles public relations specialist knows that feeling. Usually easy to get along with, she becomes much less pleasant when one of her peers calls her Kiddo.

“To be called Kiddo by someone my age sends me through the roof,” she says.

She sees the label as an affront to her professional efficiency, although older people might take it as a compliment.

“I feel like it’s condescending in some way,” she says. “It denotes that you’re a novice, you’re immature,” she says. Even being called Honey and Babe, she adds, “don’t bother me anymore.”

The phrase that sends Glorya Rane into orbit is “Act like an adult.” The 56-year-old Glendale property manager figures she’s been doing just that for decades.

*

Rane considers the “act like an adult” comment just plain stupid. It was once directed by a boss to a group of chatting workers, and Rane wonders: Why didn’t the boss just ask the employees to quiet down and get back to work?

One’s reactions to trigger words is tied to self-concept, says Steve Brody, a San Luis Obispo psychologist who specializes in helping people improve communication. That’s why a word or phrase that offends one person will roll off another’s back.

“They can say I’m ugly,” quips Brody, “but if they imply I’m stupid . . . “

The closer the relationship, the stronger your reactions are likely to be to push-your-button words, Ridgeway says. “It matters more.”

The effect of these words can intensify, of course, the more you hear them. Words that start out as neutral can become loaded, mental health experts say, the more you hear them in what’s perceived as a critical vein.

Richard Sherb, 62, of Sherman Oaks, remembers as a teen-ager and young adult asking his father to borrow the car for a date or to lend him money and often hearing, “We’ll see.”

He still recalls the uncomfortable “holding pattern” that left him in, often waiting until the day of the date to find out if he would have transportation. To him, hearing the “We’ll see” phrase “meant I probably wasn’t making reasonable requests.” These days, Sherb, a therapist, is thankful that his wife never says, “We’ll see.”

“As parents,” says Brody, “we need to watch these trigger words.” While it can be tempting to communicate your feelings, especially when your offspring are acting less than responsibly, Brody urges parents not to put their thoughts into words if it means telling their kids they are irresponsible or lazy.

Between spouses, says Lasswell, there are certain sure-fire “catastrophe” words that she urges people not to use at all costs. Top of the list: Telling a spouse, “You are just like your mother (or father).”

*

Men seem to take particular offense over trigger words that question performance and competence, Brody says, so they’re likely to get steamed over suggestions that they’re not doing their job or making enough money.

Women are more likely, he says, to get aggravated over potshots involving emotions, although of course there are exceptions. Consider the accusation, made in late May during the O.J. Simpson trial by defense attorney Johnnie Cochran Jr., that prosecutor Marcia Clark was being “hysterical” as she argued against the admission of a statement by a police department technician.

Clark called Cochran’s characterization sexist.

Then there is the popular “You’re overreacting,” often aimed at both genders.

When someone says that, Brody points out, it could signal a need to read between the lines. It might be their way of saying, “I’m a little uncomfortable with strong emotion,” he says.

Of course, there’s yet another reason a trigger word could provoke strong reaction, Brody says. “The trigger words we react to strongly are the ones that might be true” at least some of the time, he says. His own personal trigger, he says, is being called insensitive by his mate. While he isn’t proud of the assessment, he says, “it’s sometimes true.”

When a 46-year-old Los Angeles author was called “petty” by a friend after she protested being the driver on yet another outing, she was at first angry. Then she stepped back and evaluated.

“I am basically a generous person, but I can be petty,” she says. After all, she had kept track of exactly how many times she had done the driving.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

How Not to Push Those Buttons

So how to avoid hitting the ceiling--or putting others there--via trigger words? Here are some tips from the experts.

For the Trigger-Happy

* Before telling someone they are overreacting or childish, or using other trigger phrases, soften the message. It might be as simple as, “I have some information to share with you.”

“It still might be looked upon as a one-up comment,” says Marcia Lasswell, Los Angeles family therapist, “but it will probably be taken in a different vein.”

* Turn “you” statements into “I” statements, Lasswell suggests. Instead of “You’re so cheap, you didn’t even buy me a birthday gift,” try “I feel hurt that I didn’t get a birthday gift from you.”

For the Targets

* Tell the person uttering the trigger words that the advice is hurtful, not helpful, Lasswell suggests. Ask, “Can you find another way to say this?”

* Realize that trigger words can be deliberate attempts to provoke you or throw you off guard. Sometimes people resort to these words when they are losing an argument, says Lasswell.

* “You have to suppress your own emotional reaction, but react [instead] to the content,” says Cecilia Ridgeway, a Stanford University sociology professor. Suppose someone has just said, “You’re overreacting.” Your response might be “Well, I don’t think I am overreacting. The situation is serious and here is why.” Then throw it back to them. “What could we do about this?”