COMMITMENTS : Love and Laughter : Humor keeps long-term relationships fun--and spontaneous. It also offers a kind of intimacy that draws partners closer.

Sometimes just exchanging a look can start Karen and Ron Lowe laughing. But such fun can get them in trouble. Say, they are at church where Karen is in the choir and Ron is at the keyboard. Ron notices someone in the congregation falling asleep.

“It’s an unspoken thing,” Karen said. “But he’ll look at me and we’ll bust up laughing. . . . People will stop us after church and say ‘We saw you two.’ ”

Married nine years, the Lowes, of Inglewood, said humor does more than liven up their marriage. It makes them closer.

“It is a form of intimacy between two people because there are some things only he and I share that we think are funny. It brings joy to us and other people probably wouldn’t [get it],” added Karen, 31.

Beyond drawing couples closer, humor helps them cope with outside pressures, relieves stress within a marriage, and keeps long-term relationships from getting predictable, say humor researchers and relationship experts.

Studies show that sharing humor is part of what makes a marriage fun as well as long-lasting, said developmental psychologist Paul McGhee, author of 11 books on humor, including “How to Develop Your Sense of Humor” (Kendall/Hunt, 1994).

Although some couples admit to rolling on the floor laughing over incredible silliness and doing other things they didn’t want printed, humor is more than that.

“In the broader context, humor is having a positive outlook and being open to appreciating the potentially humorous side of a situation,” said Linda Dougherty, associate professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, who has done studies on humor and on long-term marriages.

Dougherty, who has been married almost 14 years, said those times when either she or her husband has been down, the other can point out a funny side to the issue. “And that helps. It is another way of connecting. It is a way of coping with the situation.”

Karen Lowe said moving across the country was nothing compared to the stress of buying their first home in 1992. Going through the credit and employment checks to get the loan approved nearly drove her crazy.

“I’d be stressed out of my mind, then Ron would crack a joke or say something silly that would make me laugh. I think humor has carried us through the tough times,” she said.

When one partner uses humor in the midst of stress, the other can see that perhaps things aren’t so dismal. Then they can share a laugh over the ridiculousness of the situation.

“You can find ways of laughing at the absurdity of what is going on in your life. It’s a way of letting go,” McGhee said.

Couples can also make light of marital spats. During a disagreement, they may realize that they are in the comical position of defending their position rather than solving the issue. Or sometimes after an argument is over, they may share a laugh over how silly it was.

This allows some relief from the moment, explained Gerry Piorkowski, clinical associate professor of psychology at the University of Illinois at Chicago and author of “Too Close for Comfort: Exploring the Risks of Intimacy” (Insight Books, 1994).

“It can be real positive to lighten a difficult situation,” Piorkowski said, as long as both people see the humor. But if only one is laughing, the other may feel misunderstood and not taken seriously.

“How can you tell ahead of time?” Piorkowski asked. “You have to know someone real well.”

Audrey and William Brooks of Los Angeles usually joke about their arguments afterward, laughing over some of the things they said and the way they said it.

“And Bill has a habit of telling me how I sound . . . with his hands on his hips. It’s funny. You wouldn’t believe him trying to talk like me,” said Audrey, laughing.

When couples have that playful attitude, there is an element of unpredictability, McGhee said. “And you never quite know what the other person is going to do next. That is part of what keeps it interesting,” he added.

Much as couples can enjoy a laugh together, men and women find different things funny.

“Men enjoy more physical, slapstick kind of humor than women do. Also, men enjoy put-down humor more than women do,” McGhee said.

Ron Lowe said he loves playing the dozens, a joking way of trading insults. One of his favorites: “Your friend’s teeth have so many gaps, she used Aim toothpaste and missed.”

“That is so stupid,” said his wife with a laugh. “Don’t tell any more. They are funny, but they are so stupid.” Of course, he told more.

Women, on the other hand, “tend to appreciate more verbal humor,” Dougherty said. They will share funny experiences rather than tell jokes. The stories may poke fun at themselves and be used as a way of sharing and connecting with others.

When socializing, the differences are more apparent compared to couple interaction. In mixed groups, women will groan when their husbands tell the same dirty jokes party after party.

Alan Harris, a professor of communication and linguistics at Cal State Northridge, said he and his wife have figured out a solution. Before the party, Harris, who loves to tell jokes, will sit down with his wife.

“I’ve said to her, ‘I think I’m going to tell them this one. What do you think?’ Kind of get some consensus going with her before I tell it,” he said. “It works both directions. Very often, she’ll tap me on the shoulder [at the party] and say ‘tell the one about . . . ‘ because it’s apropos to the conversation. We worked out a dialogue.”