LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

So, who sits at the head table? World leaders gather at the United Nations:

* "On their first night in the United States, Chinese President Jiang Zemin and his wife decided to stay in their hotel and send out for American." (Bob Mills)

* "Most often-heard comment between leaders: Really, your wife is the one who runs things, too? " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "While most pegged the number of leaders attending at more than 180, the National Park Service's official count was 75." (Kenny Noble)

* "On Sunday, 185 world leaders stood for a group picture. On the count of three, the photographer made 184 of them smile by asking them to say, 'foreign aid.' " (Argus Hamilton)

* "It was the first time Boris Yeltsin's been photographed without a drink in his hand." (Cutler)

* "Central Park muggings were available in 76 languages." (Mills)

* "Fidel Castro mingled with other dictators of oppressed peoples: How do you do, Mr. Steinbrenner? " (Alan Ray)

* "The U.N. turns 50 today. I guess Bosnia is just a midlife crisis." (Joe Kevany)


Also in the news: Cutler, on O.J. returning to L.A. after a Florida golf vacation: "Next up, searching for Nicole's real killer while rafting the Snake River."

Hamilton, on weekend riots by federal prisoners, who claim their constitutional rights have been violated: "The Administration disagreed, saying the 14th Amendment does not guarantee an L.A. jury."

Neal Leibowitz, on Bob Dole reversing himself on whether to accept a campaign contribution from a gay Republican group: "Any more flip-flops and his GOP rivals will start whispering that he's a switch-hitter."

Ray, on FDA approval of a microwave treatment for enlarged prostates: "Patients report some discomfort--each time the doctor shuts the oven door."

Noble, on Robert MacNeil leaving the "MacNeil-Lehrer Report": "PBS without MacNeil will be like pledge night without a tote bag."

Comic Steve Tatham, on the new biography that suggests Mary Todd Lincoln trapped Abe into marriage by getting pregnant: "Researchers also reveal that Abe refused to discuss it at the time, saying only, 'That was one score and nine months ago.' "

Kevany, on Saturday's opening of the "WaterWorld" show at Universal Studios: "The first stunt was to bring the show in under $200 million."

Leibowitz, on "Showgirls" and "Jade": "With these flops piling up and successes receding further into the past, Hollywood wags are now starting to refer to the screenwriter as Joe Yesterhas."


Seal Beach reader Debbie Fawcett says her sister had just returned from a sonogram and was pointing out the baby's head, body and limbs to her son Kellen, then 4. When Cindy asked what he thought it would be, Kellen said "definitely a boy." When she asked why, he replied:

"Because there are no ribbons in the hair."

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