LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

World Report: Cutler Daily Scoop, on the wrap-up of the United Nations' 50th-birthday celebration: "For a grand finale, visiting heads of state and U.N. officials hopped on black helicopters for a quick buzz over American militia meeting sites."

Bob Mills, on President Clinton's summit meeting with Jiang Zemin: "The Chinese leader's promise to improve trade relations may have rung truer if he hadn't been wearing a pair of counterfeit Levi's."

* Adds Tony Peyser: "The two leaders discussed arms control, human rights and why those little packets of soy sauce you get at Chinese takeouts are so darned hard to open."

Alan Ray, on Cuban President Fidel Castro saying his New York visit was a success: "He says he will repay America for such warm hospitality by sending us another shipment of his finest criminals."

Alex Pearlstein, on New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani ejecting Yasser Arafat from a U.N. anniversary concert: "Just about everyone felt Giuliani went too far when he then threw out everyone in Rows P, L and O."

Among the Top 10 accords reached by Clinton and Boris Yeltsin, according to David Letterman:

* Russia will resume making payments on Girl Scout cookies ordered from Chelsea.

* Agree to disagree on who's puffier.

* Whopper with cheese costs more than plain Whopper, but worth it.

* U.N. troops will be sent to stabilize CBS.

* Vodka. French fries. The potato is God's finest creation.

* Two countries will share advances in gravy technology.

* That blond diplomatic attache from Sweden: Yowzah!


Also in the news . . . Jenny Church, on archeologists in Peru discovering two women and a man who vanished 500 years ago: "Tony Orlando and Dawn?"

Jay Leno, on an accountant testifying that Don King wrote all his own checks, even those for 5: "Who would King write a check to for 5? Other than his hairdresser."

Cutler, on actor Dennis Weaver and his wife, Gerry, celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary: "Usually in Hollywood, a lasting commitment is one that extends past check-out time."

Alex Kaseberg, on Universal's new "WaterWorld" show: "It's a little too exact. If you order a beverage at the concession stand, they hand you a cup and point you to the restrooms."


San Pedro readers Brian Gillogly and Sarah Elliott were eavesdropping on daughter Elena, 3 1/2, as she spoke on the telephone with her friend Ryan. When they noticed that Elena kept calling him Conner (another friend), they politely pointed that out to her. After several more lapses and corrections, Elena eventually came up with a face-saving solution:

"OK, Ryan," she told her phone mate, "pretend you're Conner."

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