‘90s FAMILY : A Noteworthy Lesson : Thank-you letters. Kids hate ‘em and--be honest--we think they’re a chore. But with stamps, stickers, fluorescent pens and computers, you can teach your children to have fun and be gracious.
The holidays are marked by parties, extended visits with family and friends, and gift exchanges. Unfortunately, thank-you notes have become passe in many families. Our lives are so hectic, we don’t take the time to be gracious or to teach our children to be so. And when we try, many youngsters, although happy to accept gifts, think that writing to show their appreciation is a form of child abuse. Cries of “Do I have to?” ring out in homes across the country.
But what better time to promote this simple courtesy than during the season of giving thanks and showing good will toward others?
Pamela Hillings Tegtmeyer, a Pasadena-based etiquette consultant, suggests making thank-you notes a special project. “Allow children to choose their own stationery and writing implements,” she says. Stationery sets, with ballet and sports themes, cartoon characters and other designs for young people, are available in most card stores. Using fluorescent-colored markers, a metallic outlining marker, multicolored pens or calligraphy pens add a dash of fun to the process.
With a few supplies and imagination, children can create their own stationery. Stickers, nontoxic ink stamps and glitter crayons are wonderful stocking stuffers and can later be used to decorate thank-you notes. Other ideas for making personal stationery include vegetable or sponge prints, leaf rubbings and pressed dried flowers glued on plain paper. Need additional inspiration? Check out the card-making kits found in the arts section of toy stores.
Computer software with a selection of graphics is also available and might have youngsters begging to create thank-you notes. Kimber Lee Wilkes, who teaches manners to children through Pierce College, confesses that it was tough getting her own 10-year-old son to write thank-you notes until he began using the computer. “He now loves to design his own stationery,” Wilkes says.
“Use a positive approach to motivate kids,” says Elaine Massion, a school psychologist with Los Angeles Unified School District. Writing thank-you notes shouldn’t be perceived as a homework assignment, she says. “Don’t force kids to sit at a desk. They should write wherever they feel comfortable, whether it’s in front of a TV or sitting on their bed.”
During the busy holidays, Massion suggests making the effort to create a quiet time for writing. “You know when your child functions best,” she says, “whether it’s in the morning or afternoon, before or after a meal. Be sure, though, that the kids don’t wait too long to tackle their correspondence, or the gifts will pile up and writing notes will become overwhelming.”
If there is a long list of people to receive notes, experts recommend young children take frequent breaks or write only a few notes a day. This is especially true of new writers who may have a short attention span or have difficulty holding a pen for a stretch of time.
Thirteen-year-old Jordan Levin of Chatsworth found it helpful to follow a basic outline when he wrote more than 50 thank-you notes after his bar mitzvah. “Although each message was slightly different, the format was the same,” he explains.
Writing can be a lonely business. “A young child might need his parents to sit nearby for company,” Massion says. Young kids are not in the habit of writing. It takes practice. Until children get the hang of it, both Tegtmeyer and Wilkes think parents should offer suggestions on what to say.
“But let children use their own words,” Wilkes emphasizes. “Don’t compose the letter for them, compose it with them.” A number of books (see list below) have examples to get kids started.
Even if it’s not an award-winning letter, show support. “Don’t expect perfection the first few times,” Massion says. “Try to encourage them with praise. Almost everyone responds to positive reinforcement.”
Don’t overlook the value of bribes and rewards. A promise of an outing or watching a favorite video can help get the notes written. Parents of teenagers should appeal to their self-image, Massion says. “Tell them that if they want to be treated as adults, they need to act in a mature way.” If that doesn’t work, some experts suggest appealing to their self-interest: Grandma may not send another check if her generosity goes unrecognized.
Most experts agree that if children are introduced to writing thank-you notes at an early age, it will be second nature when they are older. Even toddlers can become involved. Youngsters old enough to talk can dictate a simple message. Trace their hands on the note paper. Let them help put the stamp on the envelope and place the letter in the mailbox. Preschoolers can decorate stationery with stickers or with an original drawing, perhaps of themselves with the gift or, as Tegtmeyer suggests, include a photo of the child posed with the gift.
“I used to write the notes for my children when they were very young,” says Iris Schwartz, a Westlake mother of two girls. “I made sure they were aware of what I was doing. When they got older, they signed their names. Now they enjoy writing their own notes.
Her daughter Michelle, 8, agrees: “I like writing thank-you notes because I think about the gift again and how nice it is.”
Most important, parents have to be good role models. “Children should see you write your own notes. Don’t write them at work or when the kids are in bed. They should know this is important to you,” Wilkes says. Experts remind adults to write thank-you notes to young people, as well, sending a clear message that kids should be treated with respect.
Ultimately, that’s what manners are about--showing respect and consideration for others. “With all the horrible things occurring in the world, writing thank-you notes may seem low priority. But people bemoan the decline of morals, and manners is at the core of moral development,” Massion says.
“Parents need to remind their children of the Golden Rule, even though kids under 8 may not fully understand the message,” she says. Children need to be told that if they sent a present, they would like to know if it arrived and how the recipient felt about it. Everyone likes to be acknowledged.
“If I don’t send a thank-you note, my friends may think I don’t enjoy their gifts,” Michelle Schwartz says. “I know I like it when they tell me they enjoy playing with the toy I picked out for them.”
“Writing thank-you notes is something you have to do,” Jordan says. “If someone is nice enough to take the time to give you something, you should be nice enough to take a few minutes to say thanks. Otherwise, you don’t deserve what they gave you.”
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Here are some tips for children culled from several etiquette experts.
* When do you write a note? When someone did something special for you, after receiving a gift, after being entertained as a house guest or after attending a party--although some say that it is acceptable to telephone if the party host is a good friend.
* Most experts agree that even if you say thanks in person, a note should still be written. A hand-written note is more meaningful than a phone call because it shows that more effort and time has been taken. Plus it is tangible. A letter can be kept and reread, and everyone loves to receive mail.
* A thank-you note doesn’t have to be long, but it should sound friendly and sincere. Try to be neat and use correct spelling. Mention the gift and how you will use it or why you like it. If you don’t like the gift, remember it’s the thought that counts. Focus on the positive and say how much you appreciate the giver’s thoughtfulness.
The following books for young people provide guidelines and sample thank-you notes.
* “Emily Post Talks With Teens About Manners and Etiquette” by Elizabeth L. Post and Joan M. Coles; HarperCollins, $9.
* “Kids’ Address & Writing Book”; Marlor Press, $5.95.
* “Messages in the Mailbox: How to Write a Letter” by Loreen Leedy; Holiday House, $5.95.
* “Social Savvy: A Teenager’s Guide to Feeling Confident in Any Situation” by Judith Re with Meg L. Schneider; Simon & Schuster, $11.
* “Soup Should Be Seen, Not Heard: The Kids’ Etiquette Book” by Beth Brainard; Dell, $10.95.
* “A Web of Good Manners: Grown-Up Manners for Young People” by Phyllis Hillings; Manhattan Press, $14.95.
