Laugh Lines : Punchlines

Agitated state: “In his State of the State address, Gov. Pete Wilson emphasized the need to protect our inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of immigrants.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The governor created a West Coast blizzard of his own, speaking at a rate of 150 words per minute, with gusts to 180.” (Kenny Noble)

* “As a solution to our social ills, Wilson advocated marriage and abstinence. Maybe it’s that combination that accounts for the pained expression on his face.” (Steve Tatham)

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Also in the news: Because of prison overcrowding, says Bob Mills, the guy convicted of stalking Madonna will be allowed to serve two to 10 years stalking Johnny Cash.

Nelson Mandela removed his wife, Winnie, from the South African government. Argus Hamilton wonders, “Did she go kicking and screaming and spilling secrets to the press? President Clinton was the first to call and ask.”

This month, Wayne Newton will mark a career milestone: 25,000 shows. Jenny Church says, “That means it’s time to change the oil in his hair and rotate his showgirls.”

California has boosted some freeway speed limits to 70. Alan Ray says drive-by shooters now have to be much better at aiming.

Honolulu police evacuated downtown buildings after a foul odor permeated much of the city, says Jerry Perisho. “Officials suspect the cause was UCLA’s performance in the Aloha Bowl.”

Two orders of Catholic priests who are RJR Nabisco shareholders want the company to spin off its food and tobacco business. Paul Steinberg says they also want top executives to go to confession.

In honor of Richard Nixon’s birthday Tuesday, Church says the Nixon Library held a moment of silence for the late president . . . 18 1/2 minutes’ worth.

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Big chill: More heavy snow on the East Coast. “The weather must be hell on the Clintons,” Pearlstein says. “Every time they look outside, all they see is white water.”

* Let’s use the Blizzard of ’96 to solve the Federal Budget Crisis of ‘96, says Perisho: “Lock Clinton, Gingrich and Dole inside Meadowlands Stadium with 75,000 snowball-throwing Giants fans until the budget is balanced.”

* “With both Washington airports closed, the only sure way politicians found to leave the city was to become Democrats.” (Pearlstein)

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Reader Cindy Cox of Northridge says son Seth, age 10, views school as an intrusion on his playtime. Recently, he was asking questions about heaven, hell and the afterlife. When Mom told him some people believe in reincarnation, she explained that it meant you could come back as another person, until you got it right. Seth vehemently exclaimed:

“I’m not coming back. I don’t want to go to school again!”