LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Making a killing: Now O.J. has two videos, notes Paul Ecker: “An exercise video in which he’s building up his muscles and this new one in which he’s building up his bank account.”

* Adds Ken Wilkins, “The only entertaining part is Kato Kaelin warming up the audience with some of his ‘knock, knock, knock’ jokes.”

* Cutler Daily Scoop adds that when you call to order the new tape, you hear:

“If you want to buy the video, press 1.

“If you want to buy O.J.’s story, press 2.

“If you want to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, press 2 again.

“If you are currently dating O.J., press 9-1-1.”

*

Also in the news: UCLA has hired former presidential candidate Michael Dukakis to teach a 10-week course on the U.S. presidency. “That’s not so bad,” says Argus Hamilton. “Next semester they’re having Pauly Shore lecture on the Academy Awards.”

Oscar ballots are in the mail! Jenny Church predicts that Hillary Rodham Clinton will win best actress for her role in “The Bridges of Madison Guaranty.”

Sen. Al D’Amato seems to think everything at the White House relates to Whitewater and Hillary’s old law firm. Russ Myers says, “Now he wants to know why they call it the Rose Garden.”

The Florida Legislature’s criminal justice committee has passed a bill outlawing sex with corpses. Says Cutler, “Lord, grant our citizens sex with their wives, not sex with corpses, and the wisdom to tell the difference.”

A survey shows that female attorneys earn less than their male colleagues. Alan Ray says, “Disrespect for women lawyers raises an important question: Why can’t the men be treated the same?”

The L.A. County Jail is trying to change its image, says Joe Kevany. He swears he saw a banner hanging from the roof that said, “Three misdemeanors or one felony moves you in!”

Tonya Harding has been remarried a month and already she’s having marital problems, says Ray. “During lovemaking her husband wears protection: shin guards.”

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has set up shop on the Internet. “Her situation is kind of special,” says Jerry Perisho. “When you’re ready to exit her chat room, you leave $50 on the dresser.”

The Blizzard of ’96 gave the Weather Channel its highest ratings in 13 years. Kenny Noble says, “Cable companies that lost power during the storm gave subscribers an extra treat: snow on their TV screens.”

And speaking of cable, Church thinks we need a new comedy channel for dark, wry wit: “Pumpernickelodeon.”

*

While waiting in line at the DMV for license renewal, reader Cindy LaFavre Yorks overheard the photographer tell another renewing driver to smile for her picture. When the woman complied, the clerk frowned and said:

“Nah, I don’t like it--too many teeth.”