Punchlines

In the news: In his speech, President Clinton called for welfare reform, less government, tax relief, a strong America, family values and a safety net for the poor and the elderly. Says Argus Hamilton, “Ronald Reagan must be furious. Those are his jokes.”

* Adds Jerry Perisho, “Clinton said the era of big government is over. That’s his way of announcing that he and Newt Gingrich have joined Jenny Craig.”

All week, Buchanan attacked Dole, Dole attacked Forbes and Forbes attacked Gramm. The GOP may wind up in shambles, says Hamilton. “This may be the first time in history the elephants have to sweep up after the clowns.”

Says Dan Leahy, “While Newt and his boys are busy accusing the Democrats of being for ‘business as usual,’ a look at their legislative proposals shows that the Republicans are for ‘business, as usual.’ ”

Spc. Michael New was given a bad-conduct discharge from the U.S. Army for refusing to serve under United Nations command. Tony Peyser says he may be traded to the Michigan Militia for two paranoids to be named later.

Noah’s Bagels has been sold to Einstein Bagels for $100 million. Says Alan Ray, “Of course the buyers realize this was only the initial cost. Cream cheese is 50 cents extra.”

The Dodgers are studying whether to buy an NFL team and build a football stadium. Good idea, says Perisho. “Now not only will the Dodgers lead the major leagues in errors, they can lead the NFL in fumbles too.”

The news that Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas are expecting a child means just one thing, says Gary Easley: “Don Johnson is going to have to find another way to make the cover of People.”

According to the girlfriend of Babe the pig, ever since Babe won that Golden Globe he’s been acting like a conceited jerk. “Pigs are such men,” she says. (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Fat chance: The FDA approved the fat substitute olestra for use in snack foods, despite some startling side effects.

* “Abdominal cramping and diarrhea? If guys start eating these this Sunday, the words ‘Super Bowl’ could take on a whole new meaning.” (Joe Vogel)

* “Another disgusting side effect: people jamming their faces into chip bowls.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Olestra, it’s a contraction for ‘Oh, I’ll Have Extra!’ ” (Cutler)

* “This is a good first step. Now if they would only approve a fat substitute for the Rush Limbaugh show.” (Alex Pearlstein)

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Reader W.T. Baird says his daughter Caitlin was 4 when she decided she was big enough to say grace before dinner all by herself, rather than together with her parents. The three of them joined hands and she made it all the way through without any significant errors, up to the final line. Then, instead of “through Christ our Lord,” she confidently recited:

” . . . where prices are lower.”