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Don’t inhale this item:After the Kemp Commission...

Don’t inhale this item:

After the Kemp Commission issued its recommendations for reforming the tax system, the Triple Check Income Tax Service in Burbank called a congressional office for a copy.

“The return call we received,” says Triple Check’s Dick Tyler, “was from a very suspicious office employee who wanted to know why we wanted information on the ‘Hemp’ Commission.”

DOING THE SPLITS: The 20-month marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley doesn’t even come close to being one of Hollywood’s shortest liaisons. We hope you didn’t buy wedding presents for any of these couples:

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* Actor Rudolph Valentino and Jean Acker (married in 1919): It lasted six hours. She locked the Great Lover out of their suite at the old Hollywood Hotel after the wedding dinner. Valentino knocked for 20 minutes, then gave up and went home.

* Musician Buck Owens and fiddler Jana Grief (1977): Two days. The People’s Almanac noted that in the divorce settlement, Owens not only had to pay Grief $25,000, he was ordered to let her remain in his band.

* Actor Dennis Hopper and singer/actress Michelle Phillips (Halloween, 1970): Eight days. The Times magazine reported last year that there were rumors that ex-wild man Hopper “kept Phillips in handcuffs.” Hopper told writer Richard Stayton: “I asked Jack [Nicholson], ‘I didn’t have any handcuffs, did I?’ And he said, ‘No, she had the handcuffs.’ ”

* Actor Wallace Beery and actress Gloria Swanson (1916): Three weeks.

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* Actress Katharine Hepburn and socialite Ludlow Ogden Smith (1928): Three weeks.

* Asbestos heir Tommy Manville and actress Bonita Edwards (1941): Three weeks.

* Manville and songwriter Anita Roddy-Eden (1952): 13 days and 5 hours. (Manville stayed married for slightly longer periods to his other nine wives.)

THE POOP ON A NEW COMPUTER CLASS: Julian Myers of Century City sent along the accompanying ad with the comment, “Internet to diaper wet.”

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A BRIDGE’S TROUBLED CROSSING: Our reference to the boo-boo in the movie “Heat,” where a character refers to the “St.” Vincent Thomas Bridge, brought back memories for ex-news hound Art Vinsel.

Years ago, Vinsel covered the passage of the one-millionth vehicle to cross the VT bridge, which connects San Pedro and Terminal Island. At 11:30 p.m., the count stood at 999,999. Then, Vinsel recalled, “the wan headlights of a car wobbled over the top of the arch and crept to a stop at the gala roadblock, where awaited all sorts of prizes, like brunches and overnight hotel stays, along with more commemorative key chains than you could shake a stick at.

“The car was an old, olive-drab Plymouth sedan from the Ft. MacArthur motor pool driven by a scared corporal with a weak chin and two extremely inebriated officers in the back seat. The VIPs practically threw all the goodies into the car when the officers began cursing the delay and demanding to know ‘where all the girls are?’ ”

Vinsel added: “I had a very short story to do.”

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miscelLAny Did you notice that Bellflower has amended its municipal code to make it easier for the district attorney to prosecute cases of public nudity? Obviously, the city is saying there are limits to the meaning of its nickname: The Friendly City.

Preschool’s ad: Potty training in the fast lane.


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