HEARTS of the CITY / Exploring attitudes and issues behind the news

Today’s question: Some people have presented the idea that families of murder victims should seek to forgive the killer and even join campaigns to end the death penalty. Others say seeking the death penalty for a horrible crime is best for the relatives, as well as society in general. How would you counsel families of murder victims?

Rabbi Elliot N. Dorff

Rector and professor of philosophy, University of Judaism

“Do not judge your friend until you stand in his situation,” the rabbis warn in “Ethics of Our Fathers.” For some families, peace will come only when the murderer is executed, for then not only is justice done, but any future threat he or she might pose is eliminated. For others, the death penalty only compounds the evil, this time in the name of society as a whole. Morally, family members have no standing to forgive the murderer, for they were not the victim. They can only seek to forgive their own lost sense of security and their sorrow at losing a loved one. The family must definitely mourn their loss, taking the time to remember and honor the victim with their tears.

The Rev. Ignacio Castuera

Pastor, Hollywood United Methodist Church

Counseling people under these circumstances will require comforting, affirmation of their personhood, validation of their feelings--even feelings of hate and revenge--and a sharing of stories of faith and hope. Yet, examples of forgiveness include Marie Deans, who founded Murder Victims’ Families for Reconciliation some years after her mother-in-law was murdered. Norman Felton, producer of “Dr. Kildare” and “Man From U.N.C.L.E.,” lost his daughter, baby granddaughter and son-in-law in a triple murder, but he continues to support both victims of the crime and efforts to abolish the death penalty. M. Kerry Kennedy’s father was murdered when he was 8, yet he has prayed that the life of the killer be spared, saying that he knows the anguish that would spread through the killer’s family. I would ask, finally, how can we who follow an executed carpenter, who forgave his executioners, be in turn anything but forgiving and opposed to the death penalty?

R. Patricia Walsh

Professor, department of psychology, Loyola Marymount University

The answer may depend on the community surrounding the victim’s family. Most modern societies seem to emphasize retribution, perhaps because retaliation may be part of human nature. Thus, seeing the murderer convicted and executed may lead to less distress than trying to forgive. However, I would not recommend that the victims’ families attend the trial and hear details of the murder. Some research suggests that vividly ruminating about the crime like this could increase distress. On the other hand, if the surrounding community emphasizes forgiveness and nonviolence, then forgiving the murderer and working to abolish all forms of violence in society (including capital punishment) would lead to the most psychological comfort.