Tossed Away Like a Bouquet

I believe scientists should be looking for the black hole that seems to swallow people when they get married, leaving only a trail of silvery paper in their wake.

As a single person, I’ve seen friends come and go for a variety of reasons, but it seems tying the knot is the biggest loosener of friendship strings. No harsh words were said, yet I’m left standing alone in my taffeta bridesmaid gown, feeling as tossed away as the bridal bouquet.

A male friend has experienced this transition too.

“First they disappear. Then they call out of the blue and say we should do something. The invitation seems less sincere than when they were single. When I’ve suggested doing something, they’ve tried to make it a couple thing,” he said. “Clearly, a wife is more important than a friend. All of a sudden they have a new permanent partner who dictates when they should be home or what they should do. I guess you could say two’s good company, but three’s a crowd.”

Experts say we can reach an understanding by stepping into each other’s dyed-to-match pumps or rented oxfords.

“Very often, the single friends will get short shrift,” said Cele Goldsmith Lalli, editor in chief of Modern Bride, who has addressed the issues of friendship in a regular advice column in the magazine. The falloff in communication following a wedding can seem worse if the single friend was a big part of the preparations.

“Leading up to the wedding, a lot of energy is put into being an active participant, not to mention the expense involved,” Lalli said. “Then after the wedding things change. ‘We were so close,’ the single friend says of the bride, ‘but now I don’t hear from her at all.’ ”

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It may be nothing personal. If a married friend suddenly seems too “busy,” he or she may be dealing with the adjustment period of a new marriage.

The high stress factor caused by a new marriage can cause focus to shift from friends to the spouse, said Lauri Carr-Brodie, a marriage, family and child counselor in Santa Clarita.

“Getting married is wonderful, but it is a stressor. You’re going into it thinking, ‘This is my fantasy with the white picket fence.’ It never goes that way. The couple starts to adjust, and that stressor--good or bad--puts a kink into the system and it lowers recreation time,” she said.

But if wedding bells toll an end to communication, the single friend may also be at fault.

“When I got married, my single friends abandoned me--I think maybe because they felt abandoned or that they thought they no longer had anything in common with me,” said Janet Carney, a marriage, family and child counselor who lives in Calabasas. “What’s weird is that when I got divorced, they came back into my life, inviting me to things or to go out and look for a man--there’s that connection again. Even when I have a boyfriend, they fall away. It’s as if when I’m with a man, I’ve been transformed into another person.”

That perception seems to create a gap between pals who were once close. Even though people do change, it may not be as drastic as it seems. Following a marriage, both the married friend and the single friend may see each other differently and, wary of that, they seek out people who have more in common.

“The single friend may make the assumption that because her married friend has a different lifestyle, she doesn’t want to hear from her, especially if the married friend has not been calling. There’s a feeling of rejection. It’s a sad misassumption,” Lalli said.

And for those who get married, “People often think, ‘I’m married now. This is a life change. I have nothing in common with these single people anymore,’ ” said Karin Romp, a Van Nuys psychotherapist. “But you may be excluding the things you did have in common that don’t have anything to do with being married or single.”

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Too much focus on the marriage or the spouse can be dangerous, cautioned Romp. Maintaining independence keeps a marriage healthy.

“There’s a fallacy that marriage is everything. People seem to think once you’re married you don’t need friendships. Women tend to put far more of an emphasis on the marriage, saying, ‘This is all I need; this will make me happy,’ ” Romp said. “But there are a number of pieces to the pie, including friends. And women let go of the pieces.”

Romp said she has a female client who tends to stress out and can’t talk or vent with her husband about her problems. Fifteen years ago, when she got married, she dropped all of her friends and no longer has that outlet.

“It bothers me that it’s assumed friendships aren’t important. They serve a purpose that romantic relationships don’t and vice versa,” Romp said.

Donna Massara, a married Burbank homemaker with two young children, said the time she spends regularly with her single friends is like “a mini-vacation,” where she can get away from the stresses of home life and, more importantly, talk about subjects other than marriage and family.

“I appreciate being with my single friends. It’s a needed break. I can talk about something other than my kids. I come home totally refreshed,” she said.

Massara added she needed her friends more after she married.

“The marriage was new to me. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and soon had a child. Everything had changed. But the friends were a constant,” she said.

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Too much of that constant can create problems of a different sort, Carr-Brodie said.

“I have clients in new marriages on the rocks, and I keep hearing about how one of the spouses is not giving up the friends,” she said. “The males have drinking buddies they still want to go out with all the time. The female has lunch with people at work and it carries over into an evening event. One hasn’t made the shift from single to married. He or she still wants to play.” The key is balance.

Evaluations of the friendships--for both the married and single parties--may be a necessary process.

“Keep friendships that are important to you. Realize it’s OK to have single friends. Keep the lines of communication open. Make time for friends, even if it’s only once a month,” Romp advised wedded people. “Singles, let your friends getting married know what you want. Let them know you are aware of an adjustment period following the wedding, but tell them not to let go of the friendship.”

Lalli stressed to married people, “It’s important you don’t write these people off. If you’ve shared important events and the person has meant a lot in your life, you’re foolish to let it go. If you’re in a position where you can get together regularly, you should try to do it.”

“When you’re in your early to mid-20s, you don’t have enough life experience to know that throughout life you will have a turnover of friends. It’s part of a developmental growth pattern people need to accept,” she said.

But if the friendship is important, a lull in it is worth the wait. Carr-Brodie advised friends to be patient with their married pals.

“Wait a few years. At first the priority will be spending time with a husband. Couples will see a resurgence of friendships. The single person will be invited back into the relationship,” she said. “Ask a woman who’s been married for two years to go away on a vacation without her husband, and she’s horrified. After seven years, ask again. She’s chomping at the bit to go.”

She encouraged single friends to contact married friends who have been out of touch--even if it’s been a few years.

“It may be awkward, but if you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it,” she said.

Lalli recalled a wedding where a minister addressed the commitment needed from family and friends for the couple.

“He said, ‘You are all here because you’ve had a special place in these people’s lives. Enlist your promise to support them in their life together,’ ” she said.

But also keep your single friends in mind. I attended a wedding where the minister told the couple: “Remember your friends.”

Good advice for everyone.

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Remember Your Friends

Tips for singles:

* Expect a drop-off of communication. Newlyweds need time to adjust to each another. Try not to take it personally.

* Don’t be afraid to call your newly married friend. He or she may need you now more than ever.

* Plan regular activities that fit both your schedules and stick to them. If you call up a married friend, it may help if you already have a plan for what you’ll do together.

Tips for married people:

* Realize that your new spouse is not the answer to all your needs. Keep connected to friends. It’s healthier for your relationship if you remain independent.

* Don’t assume your single friends don’t understand your new life. Remember the common ground that made you friends.

* Single friends may be experiencing post-wedding rejection. Let them know they are still needed. Be honest with them about how the friendship may change.

Tips for everyone:

* Let your friends know what you want from the friendship. Communicate.

* If the friendship wanes, you can try to salvage it. But remember that a turnover of friends is a natural life growth pattern and the end may actually be inevitable.

Sources: Cele Lalli, editor in chief, Modern Bride; marriage and family therapists Janet Carney, Lauri Carr-Brodie and Karin Romp.