TV Reviews : ‘Malibu’: Spelling Moves to New Turf

“Malibu Shores” is so totally uncool.

Just when you thought prolific producer Aaron Spelling was finally running out of ZIP codes (“Beverly Hills, 90210,” “Melrose Place,” “Savannah”), he goes on another tear, this time creating a teen clash between the ritzy, hedonistic, shallow, amoral, swim-suited, sun-worshiping, snooty beach crowd and the skateboarding, rap-rocking, bro-talking, blue-collared noble savages of the industrial wasteland San Fernando Valley.

Snide Malibu girl: “Nice people give me cavities.”

Primitive Valley boy: “Yo, bro!”

The stereotypes harden on these Los Angeles-area rivals by the moment. In other words, “Malibu Shores” is so totally way beyond weird that you can lose IQ points just from watching.

The story’s Romeo and Juliet are struggling Valley boy Zack (Tony Lucca) and pampered Malibu girl Chloe (Keri Russell), whose hot-pulsed encounter on the beach amid a Valley/Malibu rumble--their bright eyes locking romantically during an instant of calm in the chaos--reeks of Tony and Maria in “West Side Story.” Chloe . . . he just met a girl named Chloeeeee!

Conveniently, Zack’s Valley parents send him to live with his sister in enemy Malibu, where his high school happens to be the one attended by Chloe and her snot of an older brother, Josh (Greg Vaughan), who so hates Zack that he is totally way out of control and like so beyond infantile. As is Josh’s little toady of a pal Teddy (Christian Campbell), a poor little rich kid whose playboy dad ignores him. So Teddy burns down their house.

Meanwhile, in the quickest quickie in history, Josh has sex with Chloe’s best friend, the formerly virginal Nina (Katie Wright), who is so totally dense beyond dumb that she’s a real lox. And in the two-hour premiere’s centerpiece action sequence, Josh and Teddy jump into their car and chase Zack and Chloe, and then Zack and Chloe jump into their car and chase Josh and Teddy.

Lucca and Campbell are decent here, but everyone else is totally way beyond bad. Not that even brilliant acting could rescue a story whose characters are so relentlessly dim and whose miraculous quadruple happy endings by the Pacific have you wishing for a tidal wave.

* “Malibu Shores” premieres at 8 tonight on NBC (Channel 4).