Making A Difference: Parents Anonymous : Restraining the Hand That Slaps

Many parents have a weak moment, when a child’s constant crying or sassy defiance may evoke a harder- than- expected slap or other violent reaction. Shame may keep parents from seekinghelp, which could mean an escalation into child abuse. A Claremont- based group called Parents Anonymous tries to prevent things from getting out of hand by providing a forum where parents can vent and learn from their peers.

Founded in 1970 by a Redondo Beach mother known only as Jolly K., the group is mentioned as a model in the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act., now up for renewal in Congress. It has more than 2,000 branches nationwide, meeting at places from Head Start centers to prisons.

“There’s an assumption that people should innately know how to be parents, which makes them feel inadequate when they don’t know all the answers,” says Lisa Pion- Berlin, executive director and mother of two. “The fact that 75% of parents in our groups participate voluntarily proves there’s a great need.”

PA differs from other self- help groups in that each weekly two- hour meetings is led by a parent and a professional, such as a social worker or mental health provider, who volunteers time and acts as a resource for information on topics such as where to go for help with depression or a child’s learning disability. Child care is provided, and many of the children’s groups offer classes in self- esteem, problem solving and conflict resolution.

“If a parent is mistreating a child, we help them report themselves to authorities so they feel supported even though we don’t condone their actions,” says Pion- Berlin, who oversees the eight- person national staff on a budget of $850,000. “These aren’t monsters; they’re people who want help.”

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One Family’s Story

Parents Anonymous has 25 groups in California. which operate without any state aid. There are 270 in Texas, where the organization receives state funds. Eleven groups are in the Southland, in areas including Antelope Valley, Riverside, South- Central Los Angeles and Tustin. Many are bilingual. All sessions are free, says program associate Juanita Chavez, who estimates the cost of treating one family at about $600 a year. Here is how PA has helped the C. family: Paul and Julie and daughters Emily, 5, Lauren, 3, and Hayley, 1.

1. The Warning Signs

To lower their housing costs, the growing young family moved to a rural community near Palmdale last spring. After a second car broke down and her best friend moved out of state, Julie, 27, felt isolated and overwhelmed. “By last summer, I was very depressed,” she said.

“One day I spanked my oldest, who fell on the floor. Then I kicked her. A couple of weeks later, I forced her medicine down her throat.”

2. Calling for Help

Horrified by her actions, Julie called the child abuse hotline. “One woman told me they couldn’t help unless my daughter had been molested,” Julie says. Though friends told her it was probably an isolated incident, Julie spoke with a counselor from her church, who told her about Parents Anonymous.

3. Talking It Out

“At the first meeting I felt so safe, I spilled my guts,” says Julie, who drove 30 miles to the PA meeting with her husband. “I’d had individual therapy, but this was different because these people showed me where I was doing a pretty good job with my kids and that I had all these unrealistic expectations from all the TV mothers I’d seen. I had wanted to be different and they told me how simple thing like time- outs and taking away privileges worked with their kids.”

4. Healing

“The last eight months with PA has made a big change in all our lives, “ says Paul, 39, who works for a medical supply firm, “Julie is more confident and relaxed, we talk more and I’ve learned to take a deep breath before letting my temper get the best of me,” Says Julie. “There’s less tension between Paul and me, but the best part for me is that I no longer see fear in my children’s eyes when I raise my hand to reach for something.”

Some Parenting Pointers

Instead of losing control:

* Count to 10 or 20 or say the alphabet out loud.

* Phone a friend, relative or even the weather line.

* Take a hot bath or cold shower.

* Punch a pillow.

* Write down your thoughts.

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Alternatives to discipline:

* Ignore behavior that won’t harm anyone.

* Take away privileges.

* Redirect behavior: If a child throws a toy, hand him a ball instead.

* Time Out: One minute for each year of age. Tell the child what was wrong and how to correct it and point out something the child is doing right afterward.

* Work detail for older children. Make up for violations by performing jobs such as washing the car, weeding the garden or cleaning the dog area.

TO GET INVOLVED: Call (909) 621-6184