Punch Lines

Rideshare, anyone? Gas prices continue to soar:

* “Remember when a lube job was just something a car got?” (Jay Leno)

* “Don’t want to say prices are high, but my gas station now has a dress code.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Oil company executives testified that the higher prices are justified, revealing that this gas mixture was actually used by JFK.” (Brad Halpern)

Speaking of which . . . “The only thing that people are not buying from the Kennedy era is the Warren Commission Report.” (Leno)

* “Bidders were so frenzied on the final day that one man paid $510,000 for a tennis racket that once belonged to actor George Kennedy.” (Tony Peyser)

* “A book of jokes about Dan Quayle went for only $100. He’s no Jack Kennedy.” (Stan Sinberg)

* “Ex-First Lady Barbara Bush had only two words to say about the auction: ‘Yard sale.’ ” (Cutler)

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Also in the news . . . Cutler, on Saturday’s start of the Olympic Torch run: “Running through L.A. streets with a torch? Been there, done that. Let’s see ‘em try it with a stereo under the other arm.”

Bob Mills, on a medical journal report that many 85-year-old men still enjoy sex: “Most confessed, however, that they have to fantasize they’re with 70-year-old women.”

Alan Ray, on Luciano Pavarotti losing 30 pounds: “He credits improved eating habits. He has learned to put down the forklift.”

Joe Kevany, on the L.A. Zoo’s new composting center: “The compost consists of 50% animal waste, 30% plant trimmings and 20% unsold churros.”

Cutler, on Margot Kidder being described by police who found her as “frightened and paranoid”: “So? Name an actress over 30 in Hollywood who isn’t.”

Halpern, on UCLA’s two-day conference on disaster preparedness: “Topics include earthquakes, fires and the school’s VIP admissions policy.”

Argus Hamilton, on new evidence found in the Unabomber suspect’s cabin: “The FBI turned up three boxes of files from the Rose Law Firm. He was supposed to blow them up.”

Mills, on the city of Santa Rosa piping classical music into its downtown plaza to drive away panhandlers and transients: “If this doesn’t work, officials will call in the Police Department’s elite polka team, armed with high-powered accordions.”

Hamilton, on a GOP group asking Republicans to switch their long-distance service to a phone company owned by the Christian right: “It’s a great idea. They can offer features such as Call Onward.”

Ray, on The Newt kicking off his reelection campaign: “His decal doesn’t go on a car bumper. You stick it to the poor.”

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Mel Curtis of Long Beach looked lovingly down at granddaughter Christina, 6, sitting in his lap. Her eyes seemed to return his gaze as she tenderly reached out to grasp the fold of skin beneath his chin. His heart soared as she began to speak:

“Grandpa . . . gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble!”