Punch Lines

Playing dirty: Toys R Us is under investigation for trying to prevent manufacturers from selling toys to rival retailers:

* “Asked how they could do such a thing, company officials said, ‘It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby.’ ” (Steve Tatham)

* “With every superhero on the planet at their disposal, they can get away with just about anything.” (Johnny Robish)

* “Actually, they denied the charges and immediately called Lawyers R Us.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “However, they changed the name of one of their top-selling dolls from ‘Baby Goes Bye Bye’ to ‘Baby Goes Bye Bye for 9 to 12, Depending on Good Behavior.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “The FTC had a little trouble serving the company with official notice. Agents couldn’t find anyone to wait on them.” (Alan Ray)

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In the news: Americans are flocking to see the Peruvian “Ice Maiden,” a 500-year-old, remarkably preserved relic from another age. Says Bob Mills, “This may not mean much to you, but Bob Dole’s campaign workers are ecstatic.”

The phone company says it will take longer than expected to implement Caller ID. Says Brad Halpern, “They’re having a tough time figuring out how to make it so the public can’t return their dinner-time solicitation calls.”

Flooding closed schools and forced people from their homes in Wheeling, Ill. Says Jerry Perisho, “Officials briefly considered changing the name of the city to ‘Paddling.’ ”

Now there’s a study claiming that salt may not be bad for you after all. Says Russ Myers, “I don’t know--that fourth margarita can be pretty deadly.”

A convict in Rhode Island escaped prison by hiding in the back of a garbage truck. While he was in there, the mechanism crushed the garbage twice, yet he survived. Says Jimmy McConnell, “They eventually caught him. The only problem is, now he can easily slip between the bars.”

American Airlines is showing ABC-TV programs on its flights. Says Mills, “In keeping with their Nielsen ratings, the CBS lineup will be shown only on subways.”

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Hack attack: The Pentagon says 160,000 hackers have broken into their computers in the past 12 months. Says Argus Hamilton, “They suspect disgruntled ex-employees. For instance, last year there were 40,000 nuclear attacks ordered on AT&T.;”

* Adds Kaseberg, “The military has ordered a counteroffensive against the hackers. The motto is ‘Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their socks.’ ”

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Reader Lois Geeter of Placentia says each day her granddaughter Talli, 7, would come home from school and tell her parents about the terrible deeds done by classmate Jeffrey, and how he always ended up in the principal’s office. Then one day she came home and announced Jeffrey was no longer in her class. When her mom asked what had happened to him, Talli replied:

“I think they sent him to obedience school.”