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License to perform:Well, we heard from the...

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License to perform:

Well, we heard from the owner of that mysterious license plate that pays tribute to a failed David Letterman routine.

It was Letterman who linked the first names of actress Uma Thurman and TV talk show queen Oprah Winfrey during his stint as Oscars host, intoning them over and over (and drawing few laughs).

So what moved Bil (yes, Bil) Dwyer of Glendale to acquire a plate that says UMA OPRA?

“I’m a big Letterman fan,” he said.

He’s also a stand-up comic whose ambition is to appear on Letterman’s show.

“I sent Letterman a picture of it but I never got a response,” Dwyer said.

Maybe he should take the plate off his car and hang it on a stupid pet.

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN: Angelenos are in such a rush these days that the authorities had to post a no-speeding warning at the Los Angeles National Cemetery in Westwood (see photo). The speed limit, in case you’re wondering, is 15 mph.

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BEHIND THE GLASS BUBBLE: “News at 10: 50 Years With Stan Chambers” is more than the story of Channel 5’s gifted reporter--it’s also the story of TV in L.A.

Chambers was there at the start. When he first phoned KTLA about getting a job in 1946, the station was in the midst of a huge expansion--it was increasing its time on the air to 28 hours a week.

Chambers, who is still chasing stories for Channel 5, recalls when:

* The technology was so primitive that one TV station bragged it could broadcast film of events “within 48 hours of their happening.”

* Gil Martyn, the KTLA anchor of the late 1940s, would interrupt his 15-minute newscast each night to deliver a soup commercial. He’d actually pick up a spoon and sip the stuff.

* In 1957, KTLA embarked on a secret project to develop a new weapon, one that culminated a year later with the introduction of TV’s first traffic helicopter--”a flying television station,” some called it.

* A vital accessory for the early 10-inch TV sets was a large glass bubble used to magnify the tiny screen. “The only problem was that you had to sit exactly in front of the set to get the benefit of the magnification,” Chambers said. “If you were off to either side, you would get too much distortion. “

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Actually, a distorted bubble might make some current sitcoms more interesting.

DYING ON LIVE TV: One of the most harrowing moments Chambers faced came when he was the announcer on a live talent show called “Hollywood Opportunity” in the early 1950s.

One performer, a frustrated actor, began a monologue on stage about being rejected by Hollywood--then pulled a gun.

“An audible gasp rose from those in the theater,” Chambers writes.

The rambling monologue continued. Then the actor said: “There comes a time when you realize it is the end.” He placed the gun against his stomach, fired and fell.

No one moved. After several seconds, Chambers wrote, the actor “got up and brushed himself off. Some in the audience gave him a nervous applause. He bowed and walked off, with his realistic-looking toy pistol in his hand.”

miscelLAny:

Southern California is the Penile Enlargement Surgery capital of the nation--half the specialists in that category reside here. But the Wall Street Journal says that the lengthening procedure was actually invented by a surgeon in China. His name: Long Daochao.

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