Drawling a Verbal Picture

The world is going to Atlanta this week. Streets will be full of people in caftans, fezzes, saris, muu-muus, berets, lederhosen, bowler hats and brollies, monks’ robes and dashikis, all with large dictionaries, Baedekers and language translation books under their arms. Ready to say “Ou est la subway?” Or “Mach schnell, Carl Lewis!” or “Pajolsta,” or “Which way to Peachtree Street?”

They are in for a culture shock. It is my civic duty as a member of the host country to warn them that, if they studied English at the Sorbonne, or even Oxford or Cambridge or Heidelberg, they had better be prepared for some linguistic roadblocks in Scarlett O’Hara country.

Accordingly, I would like to reprise a column as an up-to-date translation of common Southern words into the King’s English.

First is what they say, followed by what it means:

Moll--5,280 feet.

Hoard--difficult.

Coerce--where you play golf.

Cohort--where you play tennis.

Bobble--the Good Book, Old and New Testaments.

Core--automobile.

Tar--what you put around the wheel of your core.

Filling--emotion. The Olympics give you a warm filling.

Foe--number after three.

Tom--hour of the day.

Wean--be victorious.

Wiener--victor.

Wan--something nice to drink with dinner.

Sinner--middle.

Gourd--protect. In football, the left gourd is next to the sinner.

Rod--what you do in a core.

Rodder--one who drives a core or rods a horse. In sports, a jockey or a good old boy in a stock core.

Pour--average score in golf. A foe on a 400-yard hole is pour for the coerce.

Knot--part of the day after the sun goes down.

Lot--illumination. Some of the Olympics will be played under the lots at knot.

Far--flames. Sherman set far to Atlanta.

Cram--offense against society.

Man--what you do to excavate gold or coal.

Manner--individual who goes down in the mans to look for gold or coal. Also person not yet adult.

Hod--conceal.

Thank--what you do with your brain.

Fan--just dandy.

Rot--opposite of left. Also, what you do with a typewriter.

Rotter--one who sets words on paper. I’m a newspaper rotter, for example.

Raffle--gun.

Palate--one who flies an airplane.

Slot--minimal. There’s a slot chance anyone will beat Mike Tyson.

Fat--do battle with.

Fatter--one who does battle. Pugilist. An air ace is a fatter palate.

Pork--where they play baseball, or picnic. Also, you pork your core.

Sod--perspective, your slant on things or your alliance. There are two sods to every story. Also, every conflict.

Piper--something you read. This is a newspiper, for example.

Tattle--what you win in the ring or on the field, the heavyweight tattle or the U. S. Open tattle.

Pan--kind of tree with pan cones and pan needles all over it.

Howl--corridor outside your hotel room.

Lock--approve of, enjoy.

Doll--what you used to make phone calls with before push buttons. A doll tone is what you get when you pick up the phone.

Prod--satisfaction in your work. But, remember, prod is what goeth before a fall.

Hot--altitude.

Hah--also altitude, elevation. A person who’s had too much to drink is said to be hah.

Store--luminary, leading man or lady in films. Kevin Costner and Sharon Stone are big movie stores.

Watt--color of cotton.

Raid--color of roses.

Port--separate. You port your hair with a comb, sometimes in the sinner but usually on the sod. Moses ported the Raid Sea.

Tot--too small a collar or too much to drink.

Blond--unable to see.

Bail--what you ring at the front door.

Hail--where you go if you die in sin.

Legs--divisions in sports. Baseball has the American and National Legs, the big legs. Below them, of course, you have the manner legs.

Well, that should start you off. It’s easy on the ear. You can smell the magnolias in every syllable. Remember, the name of the city is ‘Lanter. Bring money.