Sex and the Single Princess
Hi Di!
Thanks for your note asking for dating advice. (Love that new Simply Diana stationery of yours!) What a relief that you got that messy divorce stuff taken care of. Your settlement sounds great! Especially the part where you get to keep all the jewelry. Nice work!
Now that you and Jug Ears have called it quits, it’s swell to hear you’re thinking about plunging into ye olde social circuit. After all, it must get lonely, rattling around Kensington Palace by yourself, just you and the servants. Still, this bachelorette thing has got to be intimidating. As stand-up comedian Argus Hamilton points out, you didn’t even start dating until after you got married.
As of Tuesday, when you resigned from those 100 charities you used to do work for, it looks like you’ll have some serious time to devote to this effort. “As I seek to reorganize my life, it will not be possible for me to provide you with the level of commitment that I believe you deserve,” you say in your resignation letter. Translation: You’re testing the waters of autonomy.
Worry not. Dating is really no different than any other combat sport. Here are some hints from the experts.
First of all, prepare yourself. It’s not going to be easy. That’s Zsa Zsa Gabor speaking. She’s been married eight times. Zsa Zsa, who ought to know, cautions that a man will want you to look chic and glamorous. No problem, Di. Even when that nasty photographer caught you sweating on the StairMaster you looked pretty darned glamorous. Zsa Zsa’s from the old school. She says: If you want to meet a man, wear the right thing.
Cleavage! advises fashion faultfinder Mr. Blackwell. Bare shoulders. High heels. And sorry about this, Di: minimal jewelry. “No chandelier earrings,” Mr. Blackwell decrees. (You can lend the rest to friends. Have we told you our tiara size?) Oh yes, Mr. Blackwell adds: Soften the hair. It’s a bit severe.
OK, so now you’re dressed for the part. Elle magazine advice columnist E. Jean recommends that you rush right out of that musty old palace and get yourself a dog, a royal schnauzer. Walk that puppy four times a day. That’s how you’re going to meet a guy. Head to the nearest classic car carnival and pick up a 1951 Imperial, E. Jean also suggests, because guys can’t keep their hands off a classic. Visit all the Royal Navy bases and sample the conscripts. Finally, says E. Jean, go to the grocery store. Whenever you see someone you like, crash your cart into his.
Ridiculous, counters astrologer Jacqueline Stallone. A princess can’t go to the supermarket. You can’t sit in a bar, some gigolo will be all over you in a minute. You can’t pick up a guy at church, the beach or the Pic-n-Save. You’ve got to be introduced. Jackie has a terrific guy for you. Her son Sylvester.
She’s already done your chart. Guess what, you and Sly are both Cancers. So what if Jennifer Flavin is expecting their baby soon. “Astrologically, it’s a very fine match,” Jackie avers. “I think they’d make a perfect couple. She’d live in Europe and he’d live in the States. You’d never get bored. If you have nothing else in common, you both love to eat. They’d have the best looking refrigerator. They could do ‘Rambo Four’ together.”
Village Voice columnist and the E! Channel’s “Gossip Show” correspondent Michael Musto has another star in mind. Richard Gere’s available. He’s another guy who probably wouldn’t balk at the thought of a bi-continental relationship. “She’ll be opening Wal-Marts and visiting children in the Kathie Lee Gifford sweatshops,” Musto imagines, “and he’ll be off visiting the Dalai Lama and doing ‘Pretty Woman II.’ ”
Jackie and Mike aren’t the only ones who see a Hollywood fling in your future. Landon Jones, the managing editor of People magazine, would just love to see you show up on the arm of Keanu Reeves. In fact, Jones would love for you to show up on almost anyone’s arm, provided of course there are photographers and reporters around to record the event.
Date early, date often is Jones’ well-considered opinion: “People magazine thinks she should be dating soon,” Jones declares. “We’re for people whose initials are JFK Jr.”
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Jones absolutely forbids mentioning his magazine in the same breath as any of those tacky tabloids. But it just so happens that Star magazine gossip columnist Janet Charlton thinks JFK Jr. would be your pick. “I know that Fergie has had a major crush on him,” she says, “but Diana’s had a quieter crush on him for a long time. I think she feels he’s the perfect man for her, and if she decides to go for an American, who better than him? It’s the closest we have to a royal family. And he’s as pretty as she is.
“But I think that were he available [he currently has a girlfriend], I think she would be a bit much for him,” she adds. “I think her reputation might be somewhat distasteful for him. He likes a woman of a little more quality and substance, not someone with such vulgar public affairs.”
And how about this for a nifty introduction strategy: John Kennedy Jr. could arrange to interview you for his political magazine, George. John Jr. is confident, he’s handsome and he’s tall. Tall is important, as Jones, who is 5 feet, 8 inches, found out when he was excluded from your dance card at a recent dinner party in Chicago. (Really, Di, it must have been a drag wearing flats all those years that you were married to Chuck. But heightism is uncool.)
JFK Jr. could also introduce some drama into your life. Just ask his present girlfriend, Carolyn Bessette. Crying scenes would be good, Jones thinks, along with wild nights at discos and a few well-documented paparazzi pursuits.
Above all, Jones urges, don’t rush into anything. Play the field. “See lots of people, lots of continents, lots of photographic situations.”
Except for the photographic part, that sounds a lot like the advice Dr. Kate Wachs comes up with. Go slowly. Trust cautiously. Especially on the first date, don’t say anything you wouldn’t want to see in 4-inch-high headlines the next morning.
Dr. Kate runs the eponymous Dr. Kate Relationship Center in Chicago, a one-stop head-shrinking and dating service, and says the next time you’re in the Windy City, she’d love for you to stop by. She’s never actually met you, of course. But from news reports, she believes you to be a healthy, affectionate, demonstrative person with a need to be liked and cared for. She thinks you should look for someone with those very same characteristics. Plus, Dr. Kate adds, you need to find someone who can understand that while you may be a princess, nobody said you were perfect. Your new man should recognize that if you have an eating disorder, well, so be it. He should be discreet and respectful. What you don’t need is some guy blabbing about your bulimia on the 6 o’clock news.
Watch out for flashy, nouveau riche pretenders to the throne, warns Jeffrey Ullman, founder of the video dating service Great Expectations. Ullman thinks you’ll need someone mature and fun-loving--but someone who also has a long, proven history of philanthropy. We’re talking someone who actually ladles the goulash in the soup line.
“That would show a level of commitment to others and a high level of empathy,” Ullman says. “And I’d be happy to send her some videos.”
