Punch Lines

Media circus: Handwriting analysis led to the unmasking Wednesday of Newsweek columnist Joe Klein as the “Primary Colors” author formerly known as Anonymous. Says Joshua Sostrin, “The analyst later concluded that the Declaration of Independence, as has long been suspected, was indeed penned by Bob Dole.”

The Microsoft-NBC network is now on the air. Says Alan Ray, “To hook up to the Internet service at the same time you’re watching television, there are certain system requirements. First, you must have a lot of time to waste.”

* Adds Jenny Church, “MSNBC is full of celebrity faces but it needs one more: Vanna White, to turn all its letters.”

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In the news: The Clinton administration admits it allowed 21 employees to work at the White House despite background checks that turned up recent drug use. Says Paul Steinberg, “Hmmm, recent drug use. . . . That would explain a lot.”

European leaders reacted to new U.S. sanctions against Cuba by requiring Americans to have visas when they visit Europe. Says Brian Matthews, “Great, one more place you can’t go with American Express.”

The newest branch of the California State University system will be Cal State Channel Islands. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “There is a remote chance that the school mascot will be the Channel Surfers.”

Princess Di now faces the ‘90s dating scene. Says Argus Hamilton, “She’ll probably never remarry. You can have a kid who’s the future king of England and today’s man will think that’s too much baggage.”

The world’s oldest flight attendant just retired after 40 years on the job. Says Paul Ryan, “Surprisingly, she said airline food today is just the same as when she started. Oh, the rolls are a little stale, but the rest has kept pretty well.”

This week, Fremont, Mich., is throwing a National Baby Food Festival. Says Jerry Perisho, “Special exhibits will help new parents distinguish between the baby food going into the kid and the baby food coming out.”

Michael Jackson performed a birthday concert for the sultan of Brunei. Says Church, “Due to strict Muslim laws separating males from females, Michael was not allowed to sit by himself.”

Says Paul Ecker, “With pitcher Jim Abbott having a 1-12 record, the joke going around the California Angels locker room these days is: ‘Who’s on first? Everybody!’ ”

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Reader Liana Chin of Santa Barbara says her niece Corey, 4, attends church with her family. She had been told one particular Sunday would be special because on this day a baby, David, was to be blessed. Corey was looking forward to the event, but fell asleep during the service. She later told her grandmother:

“I fell asleep and missed David getting blasted.”