Punch Lines

The Centennial Games: “The Olympics has entered its second week, and the world’s greatest track stars are busy getting used to the hurdles in Atlanta. Traffic, shuttle buses, faulty computers.” (Alan Ray)

* “The failure of many of China’s athletes this year is due in large part to their low scores in the preliminary events. Drug testing.” (Ray)

* “How can you tell if a female athlete is using performance-enhancing drugs? Her testosterone levels increase so much, she stops asking for directions.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “These games have the most female athletes ever. I think this is terrific. I can’t tell you, as a guy, how refreshing it is to see women on TV swimming, playing tennis and horseback riding, and not talking about how fresh they feel.” (Jay Leno)

* “Did you see on the news tonight that O.J. Simpson was at the Olympics? If that doesn’t get the women track stars to run faster. . . .” (Leno)

* “You can’t really blame Kerri Strug for performing with a sprained ankle after her coach ordered her to. One mistake and Bela Karolyi turns into Bela Lugosi.” (Bob Mills)

* “German athletes won gold in Freestyle Men’s Shooting and the 25-meter pistols. If the Olympics serve one peaceful purpose it is this: It provides a place for the Germans to vent.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “All these Americans finding gold in the water has got Bob Dole reminiscing. On the campaign trail, he’s started telling his favorite Sutter’s Mill story again.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “President Clinton is attending more of the games. Officials have taken precautionary measures for his visit. The Georgia Dome has ordered extra nachos.” (Ray)

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In the news: Mills, on Amway’s $1.3-million donation to the Republican party: “It didn’t come without a price. Dole had to promise to sell 5,000 cases of carpet shampoo during the convention.”

Cutler, on the death of the woman who used to play Mrs. Olsen in Folgers coffee ads: “The company dropped her from their ads after a romance brewed between her and Mr. Coffee.”

Jenny Church, on tobacco giant Philip Morris publishing its own magazine for young male smokers: “The centerfold shows off a model’s big chest X-ray.”

Cutler, on Ross Perot hanging out on the MTV bus: “MTV hasn’t spent this much time with a short, crazy megalomaniac since the heyday of Prince.”

Jerry Perisho, on a survey that showed only 6% of Americans refer to their homes as their “castle”: “52% call it ‘the money pit,’ 28% ‘Mortgageland,’ and 14% call it ‘where my ex-wife lives.’ ”

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Reader Jean Desmond of Rancho Palos Verdes recalls when she was first married and her husband’s young sister, Rosalyn, 3, saw them snuggling on the couch. When Rosalyn tried to squeeze between them, Jean said to her husband, “I think she’s J-E-A-L-O-U-S.”

“Oh yeah?” Rosalyn retorted. “Well, you’re an A-B-C!”