Punch Lines

In the news: Vicious rumors are being spread at the zoo where Binti the mama gorilla rescued a small child who tumbled into the ape pit, says Bill Williams. “The other gorillas are whispering that Binti tossed a banana peel onto the path so the kid would fall and she could act out her ‘hero complex.’ ”

The Clinton administration is set to classify tobacco as an addictive drug. Says Stan Kaplan, “Clinton also wants Jack Kemp declared a vehicle for delivering Bob Dole.”

* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “Meanwhile, Dole announced that his surgeon general will be a little-known congressman from North Carolina, Rep. Joseph Camel.”

Scientists in Japan are attempting to re-create the long-extinct woolly mammoth by using ancient DNA to fertilize a modern-day elephant egg. Says the Funny Scheet, “Not only would it be a breakthrough in genetic engineering, it would produce the perfect symbol for the Dole campaign.”

Consumer Reports warns that the Isuzu Trooper tends to roll over on tight turns. Says Argus Hamilton, “What you want are Arkansas troopers. They refuse to roll over no matter what kind of deal the special prosecutor offers.”

The mob has been charged with infiltrating a New Jersey HMO. Says Bob Mills, “An investigation was launched after the medical board ruled that a ‘kiss of death’ doesn’t qualify as a preexisting condition.”

A report says air fares are going up. This has changed procedures, says Alan Ray. “Instead of attaching each ticket to a boarding pass, agents are now told to stick it to the passenger.”

In Florida, a habitual criminal was sentenced to life in prison after robbing a Girl Scout of her cookies. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Despite years of rehab, he was never able to shake that Thin Mints monkey off his back.”

Oliver Stone has released the uncut version of his blood-bath film “Natural Born Killers.” Says the Olympia Daily World, “Uncut? We didn’t think anybody went uncut, unstabbed or unshot in the earlier version.”

Actress Hunter Tylo sued the producer of “Melrose Place” for firing her when she became pregnant. Says Hamilton, “She should file for workers’ comp. If you’ve seen what they do on that show, you know it was probably an on-the-job accident.”

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Melts in your mind: A researcher in San Diego says that eating 25 pounds of chocolate can give you the same effect as marijuana. Says Jay Leno, “But as you know, the main effect of marijuana is eating 25 pounds of chocolate, so it’s the same thing.”

* Adds Alex Kaseberg, “Hey, dude, don’t Bogart that Tootsie Roll.”

* Adds Hy Faber, “Today at Baskin-Robbins, they found Robert Downey Jr. passed out in a vat of Rocky Road.”

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Reader Lynanne Petroff of Laguna Hills and stepdaughter Cacha, 10, were walking their puppy on its new retractable leash when the puppy darted ahead about six feet.

“Quick!” Cacha cried. “Push the ‘pause’ button!”