There’s talk of a new sports arena...

There’s talk of a new sports arena for downtown L.A.--one that would become the home of the basketball Lakers and hockey Kings. If the stadium is built, the Great Western Forum in Inglewood might become as deserted as its namesake in Rome.

In fact, the scenario raises a question: As an ancient ruin, how would the Great Western Forum measure up against Rome’s Forum, which was the center of government of the Roman Empire?

A comparison:

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FORUM GW FORUM Age About 2,600 30 Builders Slaves Unions Golden Age 27 BC-AD 180 AD 1971-AD 1988 Top orator Cicero Chick Hearn Failures Nero Kings Big draws Caesar* Neil Diamond Tributes Monuments Retired jerseys ATMs No Yes Sideshows Vestal virgins Laker Girls

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* A banquet thrown by Caesar drew 22,000 in 45 BC; a Neil Diamond concert drew 18,500 in AD 1989.

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WATER SOFTENERS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITING: “An employee at the hardware store where my husband works observed a customer repeatedly fiddling with the controls on a video monitor,” wrote Laurel Hall of Whittier.

The monitor was displaying a program on how to install a water softener.

“The employee went to investigate,” she continued, “and found a little surprise. The customer asked him, ‘Have you seen this?’ ”

The customer then rewound the tape, pressed play and “footage of some very explicit male and female ‘plumbing’ in action glowed brightly on the screen, intermingled with footage of how to install a water softener.”

Hall added that later that day another customer called to report that “the how-to-install video that came with his water softener kit should have an X rating.”

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STUPID LAWYER TRICKS: The Rodent calls itself the “official underground publication” of the legal world. The newsletter, published by an anonymous barrister in West L.A., contains these classic questions posed by lawyers during trials:

* Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

* How long have you been a French Canadian?

* Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

* So you were gone until you returned?

And, finally, after establishing that some stairs led down to a basement:

* And these stairs--did they go up, also?

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THEN AGAIN, HE HAD NO DEBTS: A piece of junk mail from MBNA America Bank of Wilmington, Del., was sent to the late father of Gilbert Bahn of Moorpark. The son sent back the form, noting that his father was deceased. The bank sent a second letter to Bahn’s late father. It was hardly sympathetic.

The bank said that the deceased Bahn would not be granted a MasterCard because “we have determined that you do not have a sufficient amount of credit references and you do not have sufficient established revolving credit accounts.”

The late Mr. Bahn was informed that if he had any additional information to contribute, the bank might “reconsider” its decision.

miscelLAny:

Betsy Bates saw a dog-training ad in an Eagle Rock shop that was captioned: “Because a dog’s mind is a terrible thing to waste.”