Punch Lines

Good morning, class: This is Substitute Teacher Appreciation Week. Says Jerry Perisho, “Kids always appreciate subs. They appreciate the chance to fake throwing up. They appreciate being able to trade identities for the day. They appreciate that subs are slow to realize there’s a sign stuck to their back that says ‘Super Dweeb.’ ”

A new report claims there’s too much fat in school lunchrooms. Says Alan Ray, “Others say those findings are too critical. It shouldn’t matter what the servers look like.”

In West Virginia, an elementary-school principal was arrested--in drag--for soliciting. Says Jay Leno, “We need to start paying our educators better to discourage this kind of moonlighting. School officials became suspicious when he would spank children, then charge them 50 bucks.”

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In the news: President Clinton declared victory over Iraq late last week as the United States celebrated V-I Day for the third time in five years. Says Argus Hamilton, “Saddam Hussein received a nice card from Fidel Castro. We’ve been defeating him for 37 years.”

A leading psychologist says there is a great similarity between politicians and psychopaths: They both lie. Says Gary Easley, “The difference is that, when caught, a psychopath gets help and a politician gets a book deal.”

Asks Bob Mills, “What are the chances of both major presidential candidates being embarrassed by the scandalous activities of a close associate named Morris--Clinton with Dick, Bob Dole with Philip.

Donald Trump announced he wants to build the world’s tallest building and name it after himself. Says Hamilton, “No surprise there. If he were homeless, he’d be walking the streets pushing the Trump Shopping Cart.”

The Los Angeles County Fair had a big opening weekend, says Alex Pearlstein. “Spectators watched experts demonstrate milking and fleecing. Wait a second, that was the last City Council meeting.”

On the revamped version of “Wheel of Fortune,” Vanna White will no longer physically turn letters. Instead she’ll flip them electronically by touching a lighted panel. Says the Funny Scheet, “The first puzzle to be loaded into the new high-tech board was submitted by the staff. It reads: ‘How about a Clapper so she can sit on her butt and still get a check?’ ”

* Adds Michael X. Ferraro, “Game-show technology has gone too far for its own good. Will ‘Family Feud’ develop a self-kissing contestant?”

Introducing Indian Summer, a fragrance line from Priscilla Presley. Says Jenny Church, “Dab it on and smell just like a fried peanut-butter sandwich.”

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Readers Bill and Gloria Arnold of Simi Valley were visiting their grandchildren, Randy, 7, and Zoe, 4. As they were leaving, Bill reached into his pocket and gave each child a $1 bill. Randy promptly said, “Thank you, Papa.” But Zoe turned to her mother and asked:

“Does this buy anything?”