Tiger, It Won’t Be This Easy

“Tiger! Tiger! burning bright

“In the forests of the night

“What immortal hand or eye

“Could frame thy fearful symmetry?”

William Blake

*

OK, Miss Kelly, let’s get a letter off to the tiger of all golf, Eldrick Woods. Slug it “Open Any Time” and send it to any golf course. He’ll get it. Ready? Here goes:

“Dear Tiger,

“I don’t know whether you’re the tiger the poet had in mind when he penned those lines, but I know that in a lot of locker rooms they’re beginning to think so.

“But, Tiger, if I could just have a word with you. I know, I know. You wonder what a 28-handicapper could possibly have to say to you. But hear me out.

“First, let me say up front, I wouldn’t have believed anyone could possibly do what you’ve done on a golf course this year.

“If anyone had told me you’d win two tournaments out of your first seven as a pro, I would have looked around to see what he did with his straitjacket. Nobody who’s been around golf would have believed anyone could do that. I mean, I know good golfers who haven’t won that many in their careers. Even Hogan took 10 years to win his first. Hogan!

“But, having said that, Tiger, let me lay on you a few things about the great game you’ll find as you go along.

“First of all, it is not that easy, Tiger! Trust me. You may not have learned yet how villainous this game is. You might be like those innocents who have walked into Dracula’s castle and not noticed their host sleeps in a coffin.

“Look, Tiger! Four-foot putts don’t have to drop. At age 20, you think they do. They look easy to you. Tap-ins, even.

“Tiger, when you’re on tour for a while, you’ll learn there is no such thing as a tap-in. I mean, I said to Tommy Bolt once, ‘It’s a nice straight uphill putt, Tom,’ and Tom said, ‘Jim, they ain’t no such thing!’

“You can read the green perfectly, strike the ball just the way you want--and still it could lip out. Trust me. This game is malevolent. It despises perfection. It’s as punitive as a frontier judge.

“Now, I don’t want to get in your head or make you less confident because you might hold the future of golf in your talented hands. I mean, the game needs an emperor. But candor forces me to tell you there’ll come a day when you’ll have that four-footer for a British Open or a U.S. Open and, trust me, it’ll suddenly go from a tap-in to a nasty, two-break, downhill slider on a surface slick as ice and the putter will turn into a live snake in your hands.

“Been there, Tiger. Done that. My choke point is considerably lower than yours. A $2 Nassau can make me miss. But sometime when you have all the marbles in, say, the British Open, riding on a four-foot putt, bet me a film will come over your eyes, your palms will sweat and you’ll wish you were anywhere else. That’s because by then you will have missed a few four-foot putts on tour and you’ll know how treacherous they are.

“Golf is a great game, Tiger, but the bleeding is all internal. Putting for a living is a tough way to go. Always keep in mind this is a game that let Jack Fleck beat Hogan and let Arnold Palmer throw away a seven-shot lead in nine holes in an Open, no less, and you saw what it did to Greg Norman at Augusta this year. Never trust a golf course, Tiger.

“It’s a cruel mistress, golf is. Fickle, elusive. It’ll cheat on you. Go to the arms of a rival the minute your back is turned. Locker rooms are full of suitors it has betrayed. I’ve seen guys who won the British Open one year and, three years later, they’re back home and can’t break 80 anymore. I’ve seen a two-time winner of the Open flounder around for years without making even a BC En Joie top 10. Look at poor Ian Baker-Finch. He won the British Open, the Colonial and 15 international tournaments, but now he needs strokes in a member-guest. He missed 20 straight cuts last year.

“I know when you’re 20, life looks like an easy par-three from an elevated tee. Wedge and a putt. But never let your guard down. It’ll sucker punch you.

“You already have the sine qua non of the great player--length. Off the tee and off the fairway. I remember the utter astonishment in the press room at the Masters two years ago when someone announced you had only a nine-iron second shot left to the 15th green.

“But length is not all there is to golf. There are some courses you cannot bully. Long balls have no conscience. They go right-to-right on you at a moment’s notice. It’s nice to have nine-iron seconds on a long holes, but remember Corey Pavin won the Open in 1995 with a four-wood second. Length is nice, but not necessary. The public loves home run hitters, but this is golf, not baseball, and just remember what Sam Snead said about it: ‘In our sport, we have to go out and play our foul balls.’

“One other thing, Tiger. When your game goes sour--and it will at times--don’t go picking competitors’ brains. Fatal, Tiger. They won’t mislead you on purpose, but what works for them may have no relevance to your problem. Dance with the guy what brung you. Stick to the teacher who understands you, otherwise life on tour is going to be one long sand trap.

“Praise is nice, but counterproductive. When people start telling you that you can walk across water hazards, tune them out. If you continue to win two of every seven tournaments you enter (you won’t), you will catch up to history soon enough, but remember you’re still 80 tournaments behind Snead and almost 70 behind Jack Nicklaus and 60 behind Hogan and Palmer.

“The game needs you more than you it. You see, it’s been 41 years since Arnie came along, 34 since Nicklaus did and 29 since Trevino burst on the scene. We’ve been making do with Fred Funk and David Ogrin and Kirk Triplett ever since. If you want to know how tough golf is, just ask them.”