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Youth Opinion

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Tamra Fitzpatrick is a student at USC. Caption: Keep baby talk where it belongs

How are you doin’ today, my pookie wookie?”

“I’m doing well now that I’m talkie’ to my honey-bunny.”

“Have you been a good boy today?”

“Of course, but just for you, my cutie.”

To me, adults talking this sort of “baby talk” is an abuse of the English language.

I don’t understand why people think it sounds romantic to call their significant other “schweetie pie” or “schnookums.” When I hear baby talk, I get out of the romantic mood fast. Maybe people don’t really use it for romance, but to mask difficulty in communicating. Maybe it’s something that people learn from their parents. Maybe it’s a symptom of an inferiority complex.

My boyfriend shares my opinion. Sometimes we use infant-speak jokingly, but even those jokes have a short life before they grate.

My dislike of babytalk has crystallized listening to college friends who speak the dialect with her boyfriends. Their phone conversations can last for hours, much of it like this:

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“You’re such a cutie.”

“No, you’re a cutie.”

“No, you’re the cutie, my schnookums.”

“No, you are.”

When these couples are together, in the flesh, I hear both sides.

“I wuv you, my Georgie porgie.”

“I wuv you my honey bunches of oats.”

The affliction is widespread. One person pretends with her boyfriend that the stuffed animals they have given each other are their children.

“Lucy misses her daddy,” she says, referring to a rabbit he gave her.

“I miss my Lucy and her mommy. Leo told me today that he thinks his mommy is a hotly,” her boyfriend said, referring to a lion she gave him.

“Leo shouldn’t be talking like that! Tell him mommy won’t give him his surprise if he talks like that.”

When baby talk is spoken, it’s not only the swords that change, but tone of voice and posture as well. The voice goes up a register, but softens. The lips move very little. Shoulders move up so the tilted head can rest to one side, while the spine curves in a slouch.

Baby talk seems to be everywhere and spreading among all age groups. While I was shopping recently, I overheard a thirtysomething couple:

“Are you going to be a good boy?”

‘Of course, I will, my cupcakes.”

“You won’t get your birthday gift unless you’re a good boy. Do I have to schpank you?”

I can’t change how people express themselves. But I can be glad that if my boyfriend ever whispers the words “I wuv you my schnookums” in my ear, it will be for ironic effect. At least, it had better be.

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