Punch Lines

In the News: “The O.J. Simpson jury has sent the world a message,” says Bill Maher. “If you kill someone in L.A., you are looking at a very stiff fine.”

* “I guess you may have heard, the verdict is in. Richard Jewell did it.” (Jay Leno)

* “After the verdict, O.J. got two messages. Al Cowlings--’Sorry.’ Bruno Magli--’Thanks.’ ” (Stan Kaplan)

* “The lawyers from the first trial were so shocked, all the little umbrellas in their mai tais fell into the sand.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The $8.5 million paints a grim financial picture for O.J. To raise that kind of cash, ‘The Naked Gun’ would have to gross $1.7 trillion.” (Bob Mills)

* “O.J. will be left one set of golf clubs so he can continue his quest for the real killer.” (Gary Easley)

* “Simpson wants the New York Post to retract a story that says he threw a Pro Bowl party. “Say he’s a batterer, say he’s a murderer. But for gosh sakes, don’t say his life’s so dull he’d watch the Pro Bowl.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* The president’s State of the Union address couldn’t compete. Says Argus Hamilton, “Even the Weather Channel was only showing the temperature inside the courtroom.”

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Our Government: “President Clinton spoke. And then a guy came on and gave the Democratic response.” (Maher)

* “The president’s speech was big on education. He wants every American student to be able to look at a map and locate the country that is currently buying his administration.”

* Clinton said he wants every 12-year-old to be able to log on to the Internet. “Immediately, 2 million more people canceled their America Online.” (Jerry Perisho)

The U.S. Postal Service plans to save $300,000 by installing exit signs that use less electricity. Says Paul Steinberg, “It could save even more money if it just removed the exit signs. Once you are in a post office line, there is no exit.”

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Sporting World: The Chicago Bulls were in town to play the Lakers. “Dennis Rodman was spotted at Victoria’s Secret,” Paul Ecker reports.

* “The NBA has told Rodman that if he messes up one more time, he won’t be able to play any more. It’s their ’77 strikes and you’re out’ policy.” (Dave the Predictor)

“Promoter Don King referred to the upcoming Tyson-Holyfield rematch as ‘the sound and the fury.’ He took the quote out of context. I believe it’s ‘the sound and the fury signifying nothing.’ ” (Steinberg)

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Reader Pat Feiner says that when her grandchildren were visiting recently, 4-year-old Chad announced at breakfast that he had had a nightmare. She asked him if it was about a ghost.

“No, Grandma,” he said. “I dreamed we were out of Cap’n Crunch.”