L.A. Marathon Has Changed Into a Wheely Big Deal

Every so often, I feel so Californian. Today is one of those days.

Today is the day that in-line skates are being permitted in the Los Angeles Marathon.

Tired of being discriminated against, L.A.’s rollers have won their battle to run in a marathon without actually having to, like, you know, run.

For years, I had unfairly believed that to enter a marathon on wheels, one should have a good excuse, such as being in a wheelchair.

I realize now that Los Angeles is way too cool a city to insist that its runners compete on feet.

It is such a waste of time, running 26 miles, 385 yards, when you could skate it so much faster.

Running requires far too much pain, for too little gain.

Why should anyone run around town, for two hours or more, when all it gets you is blisters and a lung full of smog?

This way, you can zip through town like Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves did on a bus in that movie “Speed.”

You might smash into a garbage can or two, but you will still finish ahead of all those slowpokes who foolishly believe that jogging requires feet touching the pavement.

Why run, when you can ride?

By skating your way through the L.A. Marathon, you can zip along in an hour or so, stopping only to adjust your Walkman and to roll up to an El Pollo Loco for a quick lunch.

You could travel at speeds so fast, a Channel 13 helicopter might mistake you for a high-speed pursuit. The station would then preempt regular programming and follow you in circles for several hours, until you come to a stop and are ordered to lean against a wall and spread ‘em by police.

A roller marathon is so L.A., babe.

I believe if Pheidippides had owned a pair of blades back in the 5th century B.C., he would have said, “Excellent, man,” and rolled all the way to Sparta.

You try running 26 miles in sandals.

For years, the L.A. Marathon has passed itself off as a major international sporting event, to be taken very seriously. And then we get the usual TV shot of five guys from Pomona at the starting line, dressed up in Judge Ito robes and fake beards.

The winner usually gets something like a new Mercedes-Benz, but I believe the L.A. Marathon discriminates against Mercedes-Benz owners, who should be permitted to drive them in future marathons.

I mean, 26 miles . . . you could drive that in Los Angeles in fewer than two hours, some days.

In-line skates and marathons will go together from now on, like peanut butter and chocolate. You wouldn’t think they would mix, until you actually tried them together.

I can see myself entering the 1998 L.A. Marathon now, because I believe that I can out-roll half the guys in today’s race.

In fact, I propose that we open this thing up completely, so that everyone can experience the “joy of human endeavor” that makes this the progressive city that it is today.

Skateboards, for example, are also being discriminated against. Next year, we should welcome them, because, never forget, skateboarders are people too.

Golf carts also have been discriminated against. There are senior citizens here in California who would love to say they ran a marathon. Bob Hope, for example, has never done a marathon. With an electric cart, I bet Bob could do great.

Furthermore, motorcycles are a big part of our culture here. By letting motorcyclists in the L.A. Marathon, not only would we eliminate prejudice, but they could weave between the runners, almost side-swiping a few, and still be within their rights. Because that’s the kind of fair state California is.

I hope everyone is as proud as I am to live in a state where Tiger Woods could skate his way around Riviera, if he felt like it.

Those stupid marathoners in Boston and New York, I bet their feet really hurt.