Punch Lines

Annals of Motoring: A Sacramento Shell station has introduced “Smart Pump,” a robotic device that pumps gas while you relax in your car. “They used to have another name for this--full serve,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

* “To maintain that singular gas station experience, special vapor tubes will douse your hands with eau du petroleum,” says Alex Pearlstein.

* That’s not all. In other ploys to “give the driver the sense of being served by a real attendant, the machine overfills your tank, forgets to check the oil, water and tire pressure, and hands you a restroom key attached to a stick.” (Bob Mills)

According to USA Today, automated highways where cars drive themselves are coming soon. “And how is this different from cars with cell phones?” asks the Scoop.

* “L.A. drivers are going to love this . . . plenty of time to improve their aim.” (Bill Williams)

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Astronomical Events: A solar flare has hit the Earth, but isn’t expected to disrupt television transmissions, telephone lines or computer networks. “Sadly, those tasks will still fall to infomercials, nagging parents and America Online,” says Joshua Sostrin.

British astronomers have discovered new galaxies that may help explain the nature of the universe. “A galaxy is a ‘large, independent collection of very old stars’--kind of like ‘Nick at Night,’ ” Jerry Perisho explains.

The international space station can’t be launched until the Russians build a crucial component. “Cup holders?” (Jenny Church)

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Political Musing: “Here’s something I don’t understand,” says Jay Leno. “That Jabba the Hut guy, Web Hubbell, third-highest official in the Clinton Justice Department. He went to prison for fraud and tax evasion. You know what he’s doing now? He is now working at a Washington think tank. Do politicians who act like morons always end up in think tanks? You think maybe they just keep Hubbell in the shallow end?”

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Our Neighbors to the North: The president hosted Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien at a White House dinner this week. “Chretien’s English is not good,” says Argus Hamilton. “He looked confused when he was presented with the dinner check for $75,000.”

* “During their three-hour meeting, Chretien discussed the Cuban trade embargo, the Helms-Burton Act and Canada’s threat to repatriate Peter Jennings, Martin Short and Michael J. Fox.” (Mills)

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Readers Floyd and Marian Lindquist of Thousand Oaks picked up their daughter and her family at LAX. Floyd asked his 4 1/2-year-old grandson, Travis, if there was a lot of snow still on the ground back in Wisconsin.

“No, Grandpa. It’s grassing,” Travis replied.