PUNCH LINES : New Research Doesn’t Monkey With Facts
After we study and discuss a couple of news stories about the behavior of monkeys, something should become very clear:
Even in the world of chimpanzees, I would still be considered an idiot.
As part of the first story, the reporter conducted a question-and-answer session with primate expert Heinrich de Grubber (German, meaning “Henry who ought to wash up more often”).
Question: “What makes bonobos worth studying?”
Answer: “I think it’s the milk chocolate outer shell. Or perhaps the creamy center.”
Q: “Not bonbons. I’m asking about the bonobo monkey.”
A: “My friend, monkeys do not eat bonbons.”
The reporter and the monkey expert eventually overcame their language barrier problems and found themselves on the same limb.
Q: “Besides being smaller and more humanlike in appearance, how do bonobos differ from common chimpanzees?”
A: “Chimps are known to have violent confrontations when two groups meet. We have never observed bonobos exhibiting that behavior.”
Q: “Why not?”
A: “Who?”
Q: “The bonobos!”
A: “No thanks. I’m stuffed.”
Meanwhile, the writer of the second story was discussing chimpanzee social structure with Dr. Pascal Gagneux (French, meaning “Pascal is gagging on something”) of UC San Diego:
“I was taught,” Dr. Gagneux said, “that chimpanzees live in social units and do everything within their unit. Well, that dogma turns out not to be true.”
New research, he said, proves that “female chimpanzees rove much farther in quest of sexual novelty than had been suspected.”
For example, scientists recently tracked a band of female chimpanzees from the Tai forest of Africa’s Ivory Coast to an area several thousand miles away.
They eventually caught up with the chimps at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. By the pool.
And while this was startling, it did not prevent the first reporter from forging ahead with his questions--which is an admirable trait in a journalist and also a really cheap segue.
Q: “What do you mean by a female-dominated species, and why is that important?”
A: “The females aren’t related, but the bonding between them is so strong that they always dominate the males.”
Q: “Could you give an example of that?”
A: “Sure. Ever see a TV show called ‘Friends’?”
Q: “Do you have any other proof?”
A: “All the bonobo colonies we have in captivity are led by females. The largest, by the way, is at the Milwaukee County Zoo.”
Q: “What else have you learned by studying the colony of bonobos in Milwaukee?”
A: “That the male bonobos drink way more beer than any chimpanzee. And they can tie their own bowling shoes.”
Meanwhile, back at the other story, Dr. Gagneux’s research into chimp behavior and so-called “bachelorette parties” in Las Vegas was raising even more questions.
“Why,” the story asked, “do male chimpanzees devote so much effort to power struggles with other males, if high status is no guarantee of local reproductive supremacy? Perhaps they seek to impress outsiders, who may be watching their feats from afar.”
But if that makes you think that male chimpanzees are identical to male humans, you would be wrong.
Scientists say such a comparison only will be valid when chimpanzees learn how to repair a toaster with duct tape.
