Something Got Lost in the Translation

As Lesson No. 11 of our continuing course--the other English as a second language--we bring you this from Frank Gift of Rancho Palos Verdes.

“I visited my company’s British subsidiary for the purpose of helping them prepare for a facility inspection by a U.S. government inspector,” Gift said. “I showed them the agenda prepared by the inspector. I was puzzled by their amusement until they pointed to the final item, which said, ‘Clean up loose ends.’

“They explained that in England that meant, ‘Pick up cigarette butts.’ ”

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AGELESS SOUTHERN CALIFORNIANS: While taking in a Halloween show at Universal Studios, George Norton of West Covina felt like having a beer. “I was refused service because I didn’t have a wristband,” he says. “So I went to the area where the wristbands were given out. I spoke to the girl at the counter. All she wanted to see was my driver’s license. I was told that this was to prevent teenagers from obtaining beer and wine. I thought this a very good idea, except that I’m 74 years old.”

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THE EARLY BIRD . . . : Winds up in the oven, from the look of things at one Melrose restaurant, as David Goggin’s shot shows (see photo).

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THAT BLINKING RED LIGHT IN THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR . . . : Ernie Garcia, the local California Highway Patrol spokesman, says that the most common equipment violations for motor vehicles, in descending order, are:

1. Registration papers not available.

2. Seat belts not worn or inoperative.

3. No horn.

4. No mirror on left.

5. Damaged or inoperative rear lighting.

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HOME SWEET HOMONYM: Susan Pasternak of North Hollywood heard a story about a boy who told his grandmother that the present he most wanted for his fourth birthday was a “Stanley Kapowski game.” The grandmother visited several toy stores but couldn’t find the item. Finally, she called the boy’s mother and asked, “Just what is this Stanley Kapowski game? . . . No one knows what I’m talking about.”

The mother thought for a second and then said, “Oh, I know. It’s a Stanley Cup Ice Hockey game.”

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FOR THE MACHO COUCH POTATO: The other day I mentioned the ad for the car that had “lumber” seating. Now, Tom Meyer has noticed an equivalent living room seat for the resident who doesn’t want to get soft (see photo).

You know, a Kapowski type.

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CUSTOMERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS: Some items here about exchanges in stores inspired Ivan Siegman to contribute two tales from the days when he ran a service station in L.A.

“A regular customer comes in and, after a gas fill-up, says her husband told her to have the air in the tires changed,” Siegman recalled. “I asked why. She said, ‘He told me the air had been in them too long and was stale.’ No joke--she wanted to leave the car.”

His other story involved a customer who was told that her car was two quarts low on oil. “That’s impossible,” she said. “The car is only 7 months old and the oil was filled at the factory when it was built.”

miscelLAny:

A “Litter Removal” sign on the Santa Monica Freeway is sponsored by KABC’s “Eyewitness News.” Landfill at 11!

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.