LAUGH LINES

According to the El Nin~o summit, Los Angeles could face flooding and mudslides, but people are resilient. “By January, entrepreneurs will be offering boat tours of celebrity homes,” the Cutler Daily Scoop points out.

* “L.A. residents who live in flood-prone areas were urged to pick up sandbags at city fire stations, but they don’t want to do anything drastic until they find out if earth tones will be in for winter.” (Mark Wheeler)

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“President Clinton visited South America,” says Alan Ray. “He kind of likes some of the customs that are different from the U.S. For example, in Venezuela, they don’t serve him with subpoenas.”

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“Depositions in the Clinton sex harassment suit continue. Before Paula Jones goes to the stand, her lawyers will make sure she understands her rights--book, movie, endorsement, television.” (Ray)

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Wells Fargo will feature Starbucks in some of its California branches. “With the bank’s convenient new latte loan, you’ll be able to buy a drink for every member of the family,” says Bill Williams.

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Sen. Jesse Helms says he won’t approve any ambassador to Mexico who can’t stop drug trafficking. “The GOP is desperate for ideas,” says Argus Hamilton. “So far, Betty Ford is the only Republican with an anti-drug policy that works.”

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“In what may be a television first, the Fox network has canceled Scott Baio’s new sitcom without airing a single episode,” says Jay Leno. “That’s kinda mean, isn’t it? They said the only way he’ll be seen on Fox now is if he’s attacked by an animal.”

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“A new survey revealed that Californians feel that Gov. Pete Wilson has about as much chance to be elected president as the Spice Girls have of being hired by a think tank.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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A British thrust supersonic car broke the sound barrier. “The car has everything. It goes fast, has two seats, chicks dig it, and when you play rap music at the speed of sound, you can’t hear it.” (Jerry Perisho)

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“Coming soon, the Rosie O’Donnell doll. What’s next? The Geraldo doll? Glasses, nose splints and neo Nazis sold separately.” (Daily Scoop)

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Former astronaut Edgar Mitchell believes aliens have crash landed on Earth, the U.S. government knows all about it, and some planes use technology derived from captured alien spacecraft. “And he’s pretty sure that’s the same way they came up with Spam.” (Wheeler)

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“A poll by the National Patient Safety Foundation shows that 42% of Americans have been the victims of medical mistakes,” says Bob Mills. “The study found that doctors routinely miscompute patients’ blood pressure, cholesterol count and credit card expiration date.”

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L.A. reader Zig Blevis’ 5-year-old granddaughter, Rachel, was telling a school friend that her father was on a business trip. The friend asked, “What is that?”

Rachel replied, “A business trip is like a vacation--only you don’t go fun places and it’s boring.”