They Should Study the Need for Studies
We need a study.
We need a study of studies.
We need a study of studies to study why we have become a nation of the study, by the study, for the study.
The study is out of control.
It has crossed the line from minion to master, from having a purpose to being the purpose, from telling us something we didn’t know, to telling us something we don’t want to know.
Proof?
Here are the results of a few studies that have come out just this year:
* Wearing athletic supporters lined with polyester, or even polyester impregnated with aluminum, does not raise testicular temperature enough to significantly inhibit sperm production.
(Isn’t it common knowledge that if you want to keep sperm production in check you need an athletic supporter lined with a microwave oven?)
* When it comes to odors, men are most aroused not by $300-a-drop perfume, but by the aroma of pumpkin pie. Women like the scent of licorice, cucumber and baby powder but for some reason are turned off by the smell of barbecued meat.
(Great. So now what do you do with all that A-1 after-shave?)
* Flies are the best fliers on the planet.
(We knew it wasn’t any of the airlines.)
* Toilet seats are more hygienic than many surfaces in the average home, including chopping boards, kitchen surfaces and sinks.
(Maybe so, but there is a definite trade-off in ambience, and I don’t care what you serve or how many candles you use.)
* Your chances of being happy are greater if you are married.
(Which explains the divorce rate.)
* Circumcision offers no significant health benefits.
(But then is that really the purpose of cosmetic surgery?)
In any case . . .
Something has to be done about studies, along with the men and women who love them. Some kind of law, or ban, or period of incarceration would probably be best, but such drastic action would, more than likely, require a study. So a bit of constructive criticism will have to do.
Listen up:
Stop wasting your time on stupid stuff, and start looking into the kinds of things that the rest of us spend a lot of our free time wondering about.
For example:
* What percentage of road kill is suicide? And why is the animal population so depressed? And could it benefit from St. John’s Wort?
* Do women purposely arrange the refrigerator so that men are never, ever able to find anything?
* Once and for all, is Elvis dead--and is Keith Richards alive?
* What effect does menopause have on global warming?
* Why would someone give Howie Mandel his own show?
* Jim Shea is a columnist at the Hartford Courant. To reach him, write to Jim Shea, Hartford Courant, 285 Broad St., Hartford, CT 06115.
