Off-Kilter
Plant Murderers: If you’re looking for some light summer reading, we highly recommend an article titled “Aspirin Inhibition and Acetylation of the Plant Cytochrome P450 Resembles That of Animal Prostaglandin Endoperoxide H Synthase” in the July 17 issue of the Journal of Biological Chemistry, which is usually available at any grocery-store checkout line, right next to the National Enquirer and TV Guide.
Although it might sound dry, the article is actually a murder mystery proving that vegetarians are ruthless killers. We think. To be honest, we fell asleep several times during the first paragraph. So we phoned one of the authors, Arizona State University biologist Ralph A. Backhaus, and asked him to translate.
According to Backhaus, the article was written by an international team of scientists who somehow came up with the idea of giving aspirin to plants. Apparently, whenever plants are attacked by an insect (or cut by a knife or otherwise wounded), they emit gases that warn neighboring plants of danger. It’s the chemical equivalent of a scream. The vapors also attract enemies of whatever bug is eating the plant.
However, if the plant is given aspirin, it doesn’t react at all. That’s because the drug blocks pain in trees and shrubs the same way it blocks pain in humans. Backhaus also tried to tell us about the study’s medical implications, but we think he missed the point: namely, that vegetarians are inflicting needless pain on innocent plants. Therefore, we’re urging new laws that require farmers to feed aspirin to all crops before harvest time.
Sweatshop Labor Bureau: In other science news, a University of New Mexico evolutionary biology professor is recruiting people to sniff sweaty T-shirts for a study on the connection between body shape and sex appeal. His theory is that people with symmetrical physiques somehow produce sexier-scented sweat than those whose ears, wrists, feet and other body parts are less symmetrical.
Previous research found that fertile women prefer the sweat of symmetrical men. The new study will test men’s reactions to female sweat. The sniffers receive $20 and college credit.
Weird Cravings Department: Pickles with ice cream has officially been replaced as the de rigueur food craving for pregnant women. According to a survey by https://www.babycenter.com, the No. 1 snack craved by 1990s moms-to-be is nachos, followed closely by oranges, steak and mashed potatoes.
Other strange cravings included Cheez Whiz sandwiches, ice, cigarette butts and Sara Lee cheesecake smothered with black olives.
Lunatic Fringe Department: A “past-lives expert” from Los Angeles says the real reason “Saving Private Ryan” is a hit at the box office is because so many audience members are reincarnated soldiers who died in World War II.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Chinese Building Secret Tunnel Through Earth--to Attack U.S.!” (Weekly World News)
According to WWN, “a missile launched through the tunnel could reach U.S. soil within seconds--and would go undetected by our satellites. We’ll be like sitting ducks.”
Yes, millions could die, but think of the box-office potential when someone finally makes a movie about it.
* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.
Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Randy Thornhill
