Pub Crawling, Brennan’s-Style

Anyone who has lived in L.A. long enough has probably driven past Brennan’s Pub in Marina del Rey at some point and sworn that one of these days they would check out the world-famous turtle racing that’s held every Thursday night.

That’s how all the regulars stumbled on the sport. And they keep coming back week after week because racing a reptile across a circular piece of Astroturf at an Irish bar is as good as theater of the absurd ever gets.

Turtle racing at Brennan’s just turned 23 last month. It has been described as a bar promotion that got way out of hand.

The action gets started around 9:30 p.m. when the live music and pool playing inside give way to the turtles. It’s obvious that the folks with turtle stables have arrived when Brennan’s Downs--the outdoor patio behind the bar that has been outfitted with bleachers and a round racetrack--is transformed from a smoker’s paradise to a turtle track.

The stables keep their turtles in 25- and 50-quart containers filled with water and rent the tiny creatures for $3. The more turtles there are, the more races there are. On this night, the turtles will participate in 17 races, which are broken into seven divisions. Each race, which covers a distance of about 5 feet, typically lasts a matter of seconds, but the races have been known to go as long as 13 minutes.

“Turtle racing is an exceedingly simple sport,” says Pino, the emcee, as he explains the rules. “Why? Because this is a bar.”

Turtle racers must adhere to three rules or face stiff fines.

Rule No. 1: No pointing at the turtles while the race is in progress, or it will be started over. People are bigger than turtles and pointing scares them. When a turtle gets scared it stops moving.

Rule No. 2: No casting a shadow on the brightly lighted track, or the race will be started again.

And rule No. 3: If your turtle is not winning, it’s not Pino’s fault.

“A first-time penalty results in a $1 fine; second time, it’s $5,” Pino says, adding that all the money goes to the environmental group Heal the Bay. “And if you’re a big enough bonehead to point a third time, you have to buy a drink for everyone on the patio.”

And then racing begins. Those who’ve rented turtles put the little guys in a round, plexiglass starting gate when their turtles are called. When the whistle is blown, turtles like Cecil, the Procrastinator and Crazy head toward the white line while the “Rocky” theme song plays in the background. The first one to cross it wins.

Winning, however, doesn’t stop with the turtle crossing the finish line. The winning and losing turtles compete in races at the end of the night with all the other winning and losing turtles. And the winners all receive a blue ribbon and a grab-bag prize that was picked up at the 99-cent store just before the race. Prizes include a can of black-eyed peas and crayons.

“Turtle racing is absurd enough by itself,” said Pino, who knows nothing about turtles beyond racing. “But we make it more fun with crazy prizes. Everyone who comes in here ends up hooked.”

BE THERE

Brennan’s Pub, 4089 Lincoln Blvd., Marina del Rey, (310) 821-6622. 21 and over. No cover. Full menu. Turtle racing takes place Thursdays at 9:30 p.m. Race cost: $3. Race results and more information: https://www.members.aol.com/Lepino/index.html