Off-Kilter

Shocking Furniture Department: Tired of staring at the TV from a BarcaLounger or La-Z-Boy? Then strap yourself into a home version of Florida’s electric chair! For just $995, you can now own a full-sized replica of the contraption that fried serial killer Ted Bundy, complete with realistic copper skullcap, white oak frame, leather restraints and a loud, vibrating buzzer to simulate electrocution.

The novelty death seat is available from Ole Sparky Inc., which is headquartered in North Carolina. Company founder John Pauley, a former vacuum cleaner salesman who is now a font of death penalty trivia (such as the final temperature of inmates who take a ride on Old Sparky, 138 degrees), says his customers include a judge, a sheriff and business executives who ordered the chair for their offices.

Pauley also sells $17 T-shirts that say “Only Sissies Do the Injection.” To order, call (800) 380-3076.

*

Whither Diana?: As the first anniversary of Princess Diana’s death nears, a debate ensues on the whereabouts of her soul. Representing the damnation side is journalist Philip Nobile, who argues in Britain’s Prospect magazine that “hell looms as the most plausible spot for her soul. . . . Diana’s last thoughts are unknown, but if they did not include sincere sorrow for [the mortal sin of sex outside marriage] with Dodi Fayed, even purgatory is a longshot.”

On the other hand, Pope John Paul II wrote a letter to Queen Elizabeth stating that he had “offered prayers summoning [Diana] to our Heavenly Father’s eternal love,” which implies a less fiery eternity.

Nobile admits he can’t explain the pope’s “apparent blessing of the world’s most famous offender against the Sixth Commandment. . . . People who meet their maker en route to an illicit rendezvous do not generally receive benedictions from Vatican City.” But Nobile still favors holding Diana’s fate to the fire. “The idea of the princess in hell seems cruel and repellent in human terms, but [Christ said], ‘The gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.’ ”

Then again, heaven might not be all it’s cracked up to be. According to Dallas Theological Seminary professor Robert Lightner’s “Last Days Handbook” (Thomas Nelson), the Bible verse that says heaven’s streets are paved with gold “probably [shouldn’t be taken] literally because gold tarnishes. But the streets are no doubt composed of a costly and enduring metal.”

Hmm. Sounds like a euphemism for “lowest bidder” to us.

*

The President Trap: We can’t stand suspense, so we sent our time-traveling journalist, who is still aboard Caltech’s experimental time machine, a few days into the future to find out what President Clinton will say in his grand jury testimony. Here’s the report: “In a stunning legal maneuver made after consulting with Disney screenwriters, Bill Clinton now blames the Monica Lewinsky affair on an identical twin from whom he was separated at birth.

“Clinton testified that his twin, who was raised in England and was unknown to the president until they met at Camp David summer camp, not only had sex with Lewinsky, but also inhaled pot at Cambridge and murdered Vince Foster. ‘I didn’t say anything before because I wanted to protect him,’ Clinton said.”

*

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Bizarre Mental Disease Makes Girl Think Goose Is Her Mother!” (Weekly World News)

*

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Arizona Republic, L.A. Daily News, Weekly World News