Punch Lines

Banana Republic: The L.A. Zoo has opened a $5-million, state-of-the-art one-acre exhibit for chimpanzees that’s designed to replicate their natural habitat. “And in a move surprising few, as soon as the exhibit opened, Bubbles the Chimp applied for political asylum.” (Joshua Sostrin)

State of Confusion: First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton believes the investigation of her husband is being driven by a prejudice against Arkansas. She insists, “They wouldn’t do this if we were from another state.” “Granted, they do come from Arkansas, but for the last six years, the Clintons have been living in the state of denial.” (Ira Lawson)

Beggars Banquet: The Rolling Stones are touring in Russia. “And in a spirited meeting with Boris Yeltsin, Keith Richards offered to donate part of his liver to Yeltsin in exchange for a healthy vein.” (Sostrin)

The Pusher From Panama: Manuel Noriega has asked that his sentence be reduced from 40 years to 15. “By then he should be able to turn over a new leaf, or at least have his skin clear up.” (Gary Easley)

Teacher’s Pet: A Swedish teacher won her legal battle after being fired for teaching a class on self-confidence in the nude. “Immediately after the verdict, male jurors claiming low self-esteem approached her about upcoming classes.” (David Christensen)

The Mess on the Dress: “The test results on Monica Lewinsky’s dress are in. They prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was in the stall next to George Michael.” (Zack Taylor)

The JFK Files: Newly released testimony from a 1963 naval photo lab technician indicates a second, previously unknown set of JFK autopsy pictures exist. “Whereabouts unknown.” (Buzz Report)

Gruesome Twosome: Two boys were sentenced in the Jonesboro, Ark., school shooting. “Given their ages, they can’t be held past their 21st birthday. In fact, they could get out in time to shoot up their college graduation ceremony.” (Premiere Radio)

Say a Mouthful: “Have you seen this new commercial for a toothpaste for smokers called Tar-gone? It’s supposed to get the tar off the teeth of smokers. How about coming out with a toothpaste called lung-come-back?” (Jay Leno)

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