Some Things in Life Just Don’t Add Up

Don’t bother me about the Misleader of the Free World.

Don’t annoy me about the Special Persecutor.

And don’t you dare ask me about the friend-taper or the stain-saver.

I am above all that yuckiness now.

I am in quest of purity.

I am contemplating the mathematical concept pi.

Granted, pi relates to the circle, a shape that has no beginning and no end.

And true, Kenneth Starr’s investigation is a vicious circle that has no apparent end.

But my motivation has nothing to do with the probability of this seriously flawed cast of characters finding each other.

I am exploring pi for these reasons:

* Because it has suddenly become cool.

* Because it may give me a greater understanding of one of daily life’s most daunting mathematical challenges:

The dysfunctional relationship between withdrawals and deposits.

But first:

For those lucky enough to have successfully blocked out all memory of high school, a quick review:

Pi is the 16th letter of the Greek alphabet.

Pi represents the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.

Pi equals 3.14 yada, yada, yada.

Of course, I have no idea what any of this means.

In fact, I developed a couple of fairly painful frontal lobe sprains just copying these definitions out of the dictionary.

I guess what needs to be understood is that the one and only numbers-related revelation I have ever experienced occurred in second grade when I stumbled upon the following equations:

2+2 equals 4.

2x2 equals 4.

After that epiphany, I got stuck in a bit of an arithmetic slump.

I only grasped small parts of fractions.

I never found X.

And I still wake up in the middle of the night wondering how many hours it would take a man driving 55 mph to make it from New York to Los Angeles if he makes 10-minute restroom stops every 60 miles.

(Note: In regard to the above, I have made some progress. I have been able to determine that, based on the number of restroom stops, the guy must be traveling with my wife.)

Getting back to the checkbook.

I’m thinking that if people are calculating pi into the billions of digits, and searching for God through pi, and using pi to crack the stock market, then maybe pi can explain:

* Why the ATM machine makes a chuckling sound when you ask for money.

* Why the joint checking account can never be balanced.

* Why the friendly corner conglomerate charges you $20 for having insufficient funds, when they know perfectly well you don’t have any money.

*

Jim Shea is a columnist at the Hartford Courant. To reach him write to Jim Shea, Hartford Courant, 285 Broad St., Hartford, CT 06115.