Seagal Warms Up, Diaz Chills Out

Alarming Trends Bureau: Martial arts actor Steven Seagal is launching a singing career and has signed a five-record deal.

Diazed and Confused III: People have been asking how our dinner with Cameron Diaz went and whether we were actually going to submit an expense report that said, “Meal with celebrity, $40,000,010.”

The answer to the second part is: Of course we’d submit such a bill. This is a big company; nobody would notice. However, it could be a moot point.

To fill you in: We recently mentioned a news story that said Diaz was sick of the media and had stopped reading newspapers. We said that was a shame because The Times had randomly picked her as the winner of its “once-a-century sweepstakes,” which pays $40 million if the person sees his or her name in the paper and calls in.

She called. “Thank God today I picked up the newspaper,” she said. She also wanted the “bonus dinner with Off-Kilter, a $10 value” that we’d written about.

We promised to deliver the 40 million (which we have in a suitcase--no joke) at dinner, but Diaz apparently has changed her mind.

Too bad. We could’ve been the next movie star-journalist power couple, like Sharon Stone and hubby Phil Bronstein of the San Francisco Examiner.

Colonel of Truth Department: We have been a Kentucky colonel now for several weeks and, frankly, we’re a little disappointed. As you might recall, the governor of that state recently appointed us to the post based on our alleged “service and accomplishments.”

But so far it’s a bust. Our editor still refuses to salute us. The clerks at KFC say they have no idea what we’re talking about when we demand free buckets of chicken. And our attempts to court-martial Barney the dinosaur have been ignored by military authorities.

Therefore, we are now accepting bids from other states for a more prestigious rank. If Wyoming wants to make us an admiral, we’re open to it. We have no loyalty to Kentucky. We’ve never even been there.

Other titles we’ll consider include secretary of defense, pontiff, prime minister and U.S. ambassador to Cameron Diaz.

Weird Presents Bureau: Last-minute gift ideas:

* A box of 12 anatomically correct chocolate brains (from Anatomical Chart Co.).

* An eye chart necktie (also from Anatomical).

* A Bible that emits flames when opened. It’s the perfect gift for hellfire and brimstone preachers. (As seen in the Door magazine.)

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Hunters Slay Three of Santa’s Reindeer!” (Weekly World News)

Your presents could be a little late this year, thanks to some “coldhearted creeps” who opened fire at a holiday pageant in Norway and then “unhooked the limp bodies of Dasher, Dancer and Blitzen from the reins of Santa’s sleigh and carted the bloody carcasses off to their rusty pickup truck.”

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Martin Miller, Susanna Timmons, Matt Lait, https://www.anatomical.com, U.S. Catholic. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.