Happily and Calmly Ever After--the Second Time Around

A first wedding is filled with emotional symbolism: the father giving the daughter away, tearful mothers bidding their sons goodbye, nervous brides praying they don’t trip down the aisle. But when it’s a second marriage, like mine will be, the celebration can be more lighthearted--or, in a word, fun.

I’m going to enjoy my wedding this time. I refuse to be nervous, let relatives’ bickering get to me or become upset over inevitable mishaps. Even hyper-hormone-fortified teenage daughters, whose symptoms include eye-rolling and intemperate door-slamming, can’t ruin a perfectly lovely day.

At least that’s my plan. Unwittingly I have already leaned too hard on the panic button and let tears flow over complicated logistics (the wedding is in Germany, the honeymoon in Vietnam), assorted decision-making worries and petty family feuds.

To reassure myself, and any future brides with similar plans, that happy endings are equally possible the second time around, I consulted a few behavior experts about what to expect.

“Weddings are the one event that magnify people’s emotions and dramas,” said Judith Sills, a Philadelphia psychologist who specializes in relationship issues. “Like all the other deep, meaningful rites of passage, they don’t just involve you. The second marriage is the merging of families, and other people do have a stake in this decision.”

When I announced my engagement to my two daughters, Marisa, 16, and Talia, 10, they didn’t exactly send up cheers. But it was a reaction that I fully expected. I knew it blew any fantasy they might have harbored of their parents reconciling.

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“Children will huff and puff, but they won’t blow the house down, and they usually come through at the end,” said Peter A. Wish, a Florida psychologist and author of “Don’t Stop at Green Lights.” Give them time to adjust, and tell them you understand that they have mixed or unhappy feelings.

My fiance, Robin, set the tone for this party-hearty wedding with his unconventional proposal--on the stage in front of 1,400 moviegoers waving lighted Jedi lasers while waiting for the revamped “The Empire Strikes Back” to start. The audience cheered, applauded and yelled, “May the force be with you,” after Robin called across the theater, “Karin, will you marry me?”

Our nuptial sequel will be set in a 700-year-old church in a quaint Black Forest village; the reception in a small palace built in the 1700s by a spoiled count, who didn’t know that someday his mirrored and gilded ballroom would be such a popular wedding venue.

Sounds perfect on paper, right? But there has been plenty to grind teeth over. It’s the usual: Someone’s Aunt Tillie isn’t speaking to Uncle Joe, so we mustn’t seat them together; the open bar that may be problematical to the uncle who can’t get through a party without getting embarrassingly sloshed; and so on and so on.

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How can you avoid getting caught up in the sticky stuff, while at the same time being sensitive to others’ needs?

The first step, said Sills, is to understand that such concerns are normal.

“The unnatural part is that we paint a picture of the sappy side of weddings, and when these stresses come, we feel something has gone wrong,” she said. “Step back to make room for other people’s wishes. It is the only day in your life when everybody you know will show up under one roof and all be nice to you. So be generous to them beforehand, and you’ll fare better too.”

Loriann Rauschert of Portland, Ore., experienced similar family squabbles at her second wedding 10 years ago. But she felt far more confident and enjoyed the day more.

“It’s like having your second child,” she said. “You are not nearly so nervous because you have experience. You know what to expect and how to handle it better. I didn’t expect things to be perfect, so I wasn’t disappointed when they weren’t. We had such a good day.”

Staying relaxed through the planning stages and actual wedding day is easier said than done. But do it anyway, say the experts.

Stock up on little paper bags to breathe into, find your happy place, coddle your whiny relatives--it’s all in the approach. My mantra is relax, relax, relax. I know in my heart that nothing can ruin my grand event.