Ulf’s Goof May Be U.S.’s Last Hope at Salvation

If you can’t beat ‘em, naturalize ‘em.

(And then notify the Swedes and the International Ice Hockey Federation and see if you can maneuver your way into a more favorable quarterfinal matchup.)

That is what it has come down to for Dream Team USA as it sadly teeters on the brink of elimination in this Olympic men’s hockey tournament.

The Greatest American Hockey Team Ever Assembled is 1-2 after three round-robin games against Sweden, Belarus and Canada; has Brett Hull, Mike Modano and John LeClair, yet is averaging fewer than two goals a game; has Chris Chelios, Brian Leetch and Gary Suter, yet is giving up 3.3 goals a game; has a resolute, World and Stanley Cup-winning goalie in Mike Richter who is seeing flying rubber biscuits in his sleep; and is one Dominik Hasek shutout away from flying home in time to catch the gold-medal game, tape-delayed, on CBS.

So, in their darkest hour of despair, the Americans have turned to the most unlikely of all sources for salvation.

Ulf (That’s Swedish For “Goon”) Samuelsson.

Ulf is very possibly the most despised man in the NHL, a dirty, ruthless, underhanded cheap-shot artist who vaporized Cam Neely’s knee with a barbaric low blow in 1991, helping turn Neely from a potential Nagano Dream Teamer into a tulip-planting pitchman for ESPN.

But every person has his good side and Ulf, to his credit, has a United States passport.

Having been born in Fagersta, Ulf also has a Swedish passport. Having two passports is not considered a problem in Sweden, unless one attempts to play Olympic hockey while wearing three blue-and-gold crowns on one’s chest.

In that case, dual citizenship can be a big, big problem, doing for Ulf what trashing a hotel room while playing crushed-beer-can soccer did for Austrian snowboarder Martin Freinademetz.

Ulf, please repeat after Martin:

Olympics, sayonara.

Samuelsson got himself tossed out of the hockey tournament once news of his American passport was leaked to the Swedes, because according to no-nonsense Swedish law, once a native son is granted a foreign passport, he effectively forfeits his Swedish citizenship.

Thus, Sweden went 2-1 in round-robin games while technically using an illegal player. One of those victories came against the United States, another against Belarus.

So who turned in Samuelsson?

The Belarussians?

Or Cam Neely?

Immediately, the quarterfinal pairings were thrown into chaos.

Would Sweden have to forfeit its two victories? If so, the Americans would then draw Finland, instead of Hasek and Czech Republic, giving them a much better chance to see the light of a semifinal. And the Czechs would then use Belarus as a handy stepping stone into the Final Four.

Ultimately, though, the IIHF went easy on the Swedes--allowing them to keep the victories as long as they sent Samuelsson packing. This enraged the Czechs, who promptly appealed. The Swedes appealed, too, not wanting to lose Ulf’s sharp elbows and knees for the rest of the tournament, which is expected to be resumed just as soon the IIHF concludes the appellate process.

Which could be March 13.

In the meantime, Canada and the United States were to meet in the women’s hockey gold medal game, unless the pregame introductions degenerate into a bench-clearing free-for-all, and they could.

Whatever the exchange between U.S. forward Sandra Whyte and Canada’s Danielle Goyette after the Americans’ 7-4 tuneup victory Saturday, it wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t well-advised and it may well set U.S.-Canada relations back six years.

Back to the 1992 World Series, when Atlanta welcomed the Toronto Blue Jays to its fine city by flying the Canadian flag upside down.

(Eventually, Canadians forgave us, once they realized Atlanta was just rehearsing for the 1996 Olympics.)

As for actual athletic activity on Day 11, the highlight was Katja Seizinger of Germany winning the women’s combined gold medal one day after becoming the first woman to repeat as Olympic downhill champion. Seizinger finished fifth in slalom but her first-place time in the downhill portion was strong enough to stave off slalom winner Martina Ertl and Hilde Gerg as the Germans swept the podium.

At press time, no final decision on the Samuelsson appeals had been made, but Team USA is believed to be considering a petition to activate Ulf immediately. If Sweden won’t play the lug, Ron Wilson has a back line that needs shoring up.